So, you love me? Why?
I don't know...

Are you sure you don't know?
I thought I know, but now I don't know anymore.

What do you mean?
When I was young, I used to pray to God that I want a guy with such eyes like you, tall, and has beautiful smile that could make me freeze, drawn with such a beauty. But, back then I thought it was impossible, and then unconsciously, I always hope for a guy like him.

Him who?
My first love. The first perfectness I found. He was my best friend. At our first year, we used to fight a lot. He didn't talk much and I was always misunderstood him, but I know every word he said was always right. And the thing that I like the most from him is he let me do anything I want. He's just like you. Sometimes you said the exact words like he used to tell me.

So, you love me because I'm like him?
No, it's not like that. You are not like him, but yeah in a way, you are like him.

I don't understand. Why I'm not like him and why I'm like him?
You are like the very combination of my dream guy and my first love. You are exactly like the guy I been always praying for. You are my dream guy. My perfect guy. I used to think that you don't exist, that you are not real. That's probably the reason I'm falling for you at first place, but now I don't know anymore.

Why is that?
You have hurt me over and over in the most hurtful ways. You said the worst words you could ever say to a girl. You've been ignoring me, killing me with your words, and you have left me couple times without saying a word. You made me cry hundred thousand times. But, I'm still here, waiting for you, chasing for you with blood and tears...

Then, why won't you give up?
I know that I should, but I can't. My heart, my instinct, are telling me to not give up. I've tried so many times to get over you. I've dated so many guys. I tried to fall for other guys, but the more I'm trying, the more I crave for your existence in my life. I want to see your smile, I want to hear your voice, I want all of you in my life. Could I be the one in your life, please? Could I be your last, your one and only? Why you said we cannot be together? Why you said we will never be together?

I love him.
Never in my life I felt so sure about this love

Or...
Is that what I always say every time I fall in love and I just forgot?

Mr. Alien? Maybe. Tho I knew first love usually never works.
Mr. Cinnamon? Never. Not at all. If not, I wouldn't let him go.
Mr. White? He was the man of my dream. I forced my heart to believe that he was the one tho I knew from the start that he wasn't.
Mr. Super Skinny? Pfft. Oh, please.

But, him, Mr. Blue Uniform with big charming smile, he's different.
Yeah, he has perfect smile and all, but God knows he's not that perfect.
How much I wish to not fall in love with him.
Imagine a hedgehog, and you try to hug that creature.
or some poison in a cute little bottle that wouldn't kill you instantly, but....
You just can't stop to drink it little by little everyday.
You know you gonna die, but you can't resist this poison.

Sadly, but true, He is that hedgehog. He is that poison.

'Stay away from that guy!', my brain told me.
'What if he is the one?', my heart told me.
It's been a constant war.
Between my brain and my heart.

Sometimes my heart wins, and the result...him mad at me.
Sometimes my brain wins, and the result...I'm mad at him, decided to cut ties and never talk to him ever. Deleted him from all of my social media account: facebook, skype, line, and everything with him in it and after awhile, crawling back to him, begging for forgiveness and ask him to be friend again.
So far it has happened three times.

But, I always find my way back to him.
At the third time, I told him to never ever cut ties again.

And now am confused, dear Alpha...
Is he the one?
Should I wait for him or forget him and looking for the best one out there?

Pikirku aku akan mendaki gunung...
Sesekali melewati lembah, sesekali tersandung bebatuan di tengah jalan
Sesekali kelelahan, sesekali tersesat mencari jalan menuju puncak
Itulah perjuangan ketika sedang mendaki gunung
Dan siapapun yang berjiwa kuat akan terus berjuang melewati semuanya
Karena kau akan tahu kau mendaki naik ke puncak

Itulah gunung... kau akan naik ke atas

Lantas, bagaimana jika kau salah ambil jalan?
Ketika kau mengira kau sedang menelusuri jalan menuju ke puncak, ternyata malah menyeretmu ke dalam jurang?

Aku selama ini selalu santai berjuang...
Karena bagaimanapun, kutahu kau akan kembali kepadaku...
Bagaimanapun kau tidak akan bisa melepasku..
Karena kau adalah puncak gunungku dan aku adalah puncak gunungmu

Tapi, setelah kulihat jalan berliku di depan... apa benar kau puncak gunungku?
Kenapa yang kulihat malah ular-ular belukar di balik semak-semak?
Dan pemandangan jurang yang menganga lebar di ujungnya?

Sudahlah...kuputuskan untuk menyerah...
Aku akan terus berdoa berharap agar aku tidak salah jalan...
Dan dengan Tuhan, satu langkah ke depan berikutnya adalah kehendak-Nya

Jangan tanya saya kemana... sungguh tak ada alasan
Dan klise kalau jawabannya.....sibuk
Sungguh saya tidak mengada-ada atau berlebihan

Kalau saya tidak sibuk, saya tiap weekend ketemu teman-teman yang ada di seantero jakarta
Melanglang buana mengelilingi entah-apa... mal mungkin sambil ngopi santai
Kalau tidak sibuk, saya pergi ke suatu komunitas untuk bertemu orang baru dan siapa tau bisa kecantol calon jodoh.
Dan andai saja saya tidak sibuk, saya ingiiiiiiiin sekali kembali ke bandung.
Sekedar jalan-jalan atau berkunjung ke rumah teman sambil menggosip.
Apa daya saya sungguhan sibuk sampai-sampai ingin menangis rasanya karena badan serasa mau rontok nyaris tiap hari.

Saya malu, tapi ini memang fakta.
Saya kembali nge-blog ketika patah hati wuahahahaha

Entah sudah keberapa kalinya saya patah hati
Sepertinya kali ini saya yang jadi biang keroknya
Sudahlah, terlalu sakit untuk dibahas
Saya seharusnya lebih bijaksana, lebih bersabar
Lebih peka terhadap situasi seseorang

Dia yang dahulu memanggil saya dengan panggilan khusus
Dia yang selalu bilang tidak bisa berhenti memikirkan saya
Selalu ingin terus bersama saya....

Lalu, saya dengan segala kebodohan saya membuat dia mundur teratur....
Mundur... mungkin sudah tak mau tahu dengan segala sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan saya lagi
Hanya mau berbicara sepatah dua kata
Berusaha menjauhi saya, membuat saya menyerah

Saya benar-benar telah salah langkah
Atau kami bertemu di waktu yang salah...
Benar-benar salah semuanya...

Sudahlah, percuma untuk dipikirkan di mana salah saya
Atau memang dia bukan jodoh saya
Dia bukan takdir saya...

Saya tahu saya akan menyesal setengah mati nantinya
Tapi sudahlah, mungkin sudah suratan takdir dari Sang Khalik seperti ini