I'm not gonna cry. Not gonna complain. Not gonna tell a soul for what happened.
No one needs to know.

I've been through this couple times...with you...
...and because of you...

I'm losing tracks. How? Why? Who was at fault?
Sometimes I just don't care.
Sometimes my mind going cuckoo that I want to just...die.
Yeah, that's how much bad it is.

No one could understand, because I know nobody would.
I'm done trusting people.
Not anymore.

I thought if I cry all out, I'll be done with it. It's not.
I thought if I eat everything I want, it'll be over. It's not.
I thought if I could make myself busy, do anything crazy out there every day, every night, I'll forget it. But, it's NOT.
That's how much bad it is.

And I hate it when someone act as if they know everything about me,
about what I feel, about what I'm supposed to do.
I hate it when they tell all the cliche things.

"This will pass?"  "I'll get over this?"

 It'll be a lot better if you don't say anything at all.

The only thing that keeps me holding on is Someone up there.
Because He keeps telling me that everything is gonna be alright.
He keeps telling me that He's gonna turn all things around...
That He gonna make all my wishes come true.
And also that He will never leave me.
That He has seen everything, so He understands it all.
He will never let me through this alone.

And this is why I'm writing this.
To say how grateful I am for everything.
That even the word 'thank you' is not suffice enough when I think how much He has done for me.

But, yeah.
Thank You.
Thank You so much.

And I believe in You...and Your promises.
It will all come true.
Thank You.

She then asked God..."What should I do now?"

To her, time has stopped at that day. She knew it will come to her soon or later.

It has happened before. Couple times of days like that day.

But, that day was different this time. She couldn't tell it to any soul alive. Because that's a secret between her and her Creator.

One day, a voice came to her, "Something wonderful will happen today."
She thought the one thing she wished for came back to her for real, but not.

She couldn't sleep along the night, waiting for her wish to come true.
And when she fell so deep in a sleep, it became real.

She was in her imperfection, smiling so brightly with flaws as she was talking to him.
She was wary, afraid that he aware of her imperfection.
But, she could not see any contempt signal on his smile, though she knows how good he could be at hiding his true feeling behind his perfect smile.
She tried to not care. All she could think was, "I had to make him like me."
But all she did was nothing special. She was too nervous for being her real self...or too afraid.
That's because she has aware of the invisible wall between them a long time ago.
The wall that make them so distant even though they're near.
The wall that has been put up by him ever since he said, "I don't care about you."
The wall that hurt her so bad when she was trying to break it down for zillion times.
The wall that restrain her to say anything, to do anything to make them closer.
She has been hurt of the invisible wall so much that she's afraid to try to fight it again.

But then he hug her from behind. His big hands cover her small hands. And they were talking and talking until she realize that they've been talking too long, she became afraid he could aware her imperfection, so she told him she wanted to go home. And she went home. She still could felt his big hands touch in her hands....until now.

Saya tidak stres. Tidak depresi. Tidak sedih juga.
Tidak ada konflik. Tidak ada peristiwa berarti belakangan ini.

Tapi, pikiran saya penat.
Membuncah di dalam otak, seolah-olah siap meledak setiap saat.
Hal-hal yang dahulu menyenangkan, menjadi mati rasa. Saya seperti mayat hidup kelimpungan.

Penyebabnya apa?
Bukan berarti saya benar-benar tidak tahu apa penyebabnya. Saya tahu benar apa penyebabnya.
Dan saya juga tahu, jikalau saya berkata seperti di atas, akan muncul orang-orang yang dengan ke-sok-tahuannya merangkum asumsi-asumsi bak ahli atau profesor dalam ilmu kehidupan dan kemudian menghakimi saya dan berusaha membuat hidup saya benar karena mereka merasa bahwa merekalah yang paling benar (ups, salah fokus xixixi XD)

Saya tersentil dengan tulisan satu orang yang iseng-iseng saya baca di salah satu sosial media.
Bahwa menulis adalah bentuk terapi terbaik untuk memulihkan 'luka' jiwanya.
Saya juga pernah mencoba untuk menulis jurnal pribadi karena saya merasa bahwa menulis sesuatu yang pribadi dalam blog akan menjadi pedang untuk saya di kemudian hari. Namun, menulis jurnal pribadi sangat berbeda dengan menulis blog karena ketika saya menulis jurnal pribadi, maka mindset saya sudah ter-setting bahwa tulisan tersebut hanya saya sendiri saja yang membaca, yang hasilnya adalah saya menulisnya asal-asalan dan tidak enak dibaca.
Akhirnya, berakhirlah jurnal pribadi saya dalam 3 lembar saja.

Sedangkan ketika saya menulis blog, saya dengan hati-hati menyusun kata-kata secara apik dan sistematis, sehingga saya sendiri tidak sakit mata ketika membacanya. Bagian yang paling menyenangkan, menurut saya adalah ketika memori kita terbang pada kenangan masa lampau ketika membaca kembali tulisan blog. Kenangan masa lalu yang terbungkus cantik dalam kata-kata, sekalipun kenangan tersebut merupakan kenangan paling menyakitkan, namun tetap terkenang indah dalam ingatan. Seolah-olah bahwa hal-hal yang menyakitkan itu membawakan energi positif bagi saya sendiri, sang penulis. Menjadikan saya pribadi positif dan seolah menyemangati saya untuk melakukan hal-hal yang positif. Jika hal tersebut berdampak positif bagi saya sebagai penulis, maka sudah tentu hal tersebut memberikan dampak positif juga bagi pembacanya.

Terima kasih kepada 'seseorang' di sana yang mau membeberkan perjuangannya memulihkan dirinya sendiri dan kemudian membuka 'lukanya' lebar-lebar kepada orang banyak, sehingga menginspirasi saya untuk terus menulis. Saya kini tahu betapa besarnya efek tulisan kita sendiri bagi diri kita dan juga orang lain. Saya berusaha ngga akan berhenti menulis, ngga akan berhenti menolong diri saya sendiri, dan juga tidak akan berhenti memberikan dorongan, inspirasi kepada orang banyak untuk melakukan hal positif.


Love,


Freya