Dulu gw kurang suka sama balet. Waktu kecil badan gw lumayan lentur dan karena itu gw menyepelekan balet karena gw rasa gerakannya terlalu mudah untuk gw lakukan. Pas gw SMP, ada temen gw yang tergila-gila sama balet yang akhirnya mencekoki gw tentang segala hal berbau balet dengan menyuruh gw baca buku komik tentang balet. Dari yang judulnya Swan, Mari-chan, dan segala mari-mari yang lainnya (kalo anak jaman baheula pasti tauk nih kalo ada segepok judul yang ada atribut 'mari' dan semua itu tentang balet).

Gw kaget aja pas nonton Star World kalo ada film serial tentang balet. Gw langsung donlot and yeah, gw jadi addicted sama Bunheads.

Cerita Bunheads berawal dari kisah show girl Las Vegas bernama Michelle Simms. Dia sebenarnya berbakat banget. Lulusan ABT (American Ballet Theatre) dan sempet tampil di Broadway beberapa kali. Dia terlena sama kesuksesannya sehingga dia menghabiskan masa mudanya untuk bersenang-senang dan dia pun ikut temennya jadi show girl di Las Vegas karena uangnya lumayan dan ngga usah capek-capek audisi dan segala tetek bengeknya. Dia cuman mau cari gampangnya aja tanpa kerja keras sampai akhirnya waktu berlalu aja dan usianya udah terlalu tua untuk kembali lagi ke Broadway.

Singkat cerita, Michelle punya satu fans setia (Hubble Flowers) yang selalu bawa hadiah yang mahal-mahal. Tadinya Michelle ngehindarin dia, tapi akhirnya dia tersentuh sama Hubble yang cinta dia secara tulus. Michelle pun mengiyakan ketika Hubble melamar dia. Kontan ibu Hubble shock dengar anaknya menikah secara tiba-tiba, apalagi sama show girl ngga jelas. Orang-orang di kota asal Hubble bahkan ngira Michelle itu pelacur murahan. Ngga ada yang suka sama Michelle. Bayangan negatif orang-orang semakin kentara ketika Hubble meninggal mendadak dalam kecelakaan mobil.

Pada akhirnya Michelle dan ibu mertuanya saling bahu-membahu mengelola sekolah balet yang dimiliki ibu mertuanya. Di antara murid-muridnya, ada 4 murid yang menonjol, yaitu Boo, Sasha, Ginny dan Melanie.

Pas gw nonton, gw rada sangsi kalo ada penari kilat cuman buat film ini aja. Setelah gw google, ebuset deh, nyaris semua penarinya itu bener-bener penari profesional tingkat dunia (Yaiyalah, menurut ngana? Ngga mungkin penari kilat bisa nari balet secara mendadak. Eh tapi ada juga deh penari kilat kek Natalie Portman di film Black Swan.)





Rata-rata hampir semua penari di Bunheads itu udah belajar nari balet dari umur 3 tahun. Yang bikin kaget adalah pemeran Michelle Simms. Wanita yang bernama asli Sutton Foster itu ternyata adalah penari Broadway sungguhan. Pemeran Boo dan Melanie juga ngga kalah mengagumkan, terutama Melanie. Mereka berdua adalah penari lama yang udah eksis banget di dunia balet. Broadway, ABT, dan Melanie berbakat dan juga jenius. Gw kebetulan sebenarnya suka banget sama peran Melanie dan ngga nyangka akhirnya jadi suka dia juga di kehidupan nyatanya. Melanie atau aslinya yang bernama Emma Dumont ngga hanya berbakat di balet, tapi juga di biola dan robot, yang konon sering kerjasama dengan NASA gituh. EGILA YA. And guess what. Dia ternyata udah banyak banget dapat peran di movie-movie loh.


OMG, I'm officially a fan member of Emma Dumont now. I love her.

Udah sering gw berpikir untuk lari ke suatu tempat yang jauh. Tempat yang sunyi. Tempat yang tidak ada keramaian orang banyak, tidak ada kemacetan, tidak ada suara secuil apapun. Hanya ada gw, gemerisik pepohonan, udara segar pegunungan, that's it. That's my heaven. Gw udah muak berada di tengah kota yang sumpek, pengap, dan segala permasalahannya yang bikin hati hancur, gundah gulana begini.

Gw pengen di tempat yang sejuk yang bikin gw ngantuk nyaris seharian trus gw bisa tidur seharian juga. Damn, I really need to get out from this country asap. Mungkin ke Alaska atau ke daerah negeri Eropa Utara sekalian biar bisa mati kedinginan juga di sana (oops, just kidding!) The point is I'm sick living this boring life. Well, kalo ditelaah sebenarnya hidup gw ngga semembosankan itu. Gw cuman muak aja sama orang-orang yang ada di sekitar gw. Lain di hati lain lain di mulut, lain juga dengan yang dilakuin setelah itu.

Hampir semua manusia emang sebenanrya kayak gitu juga sih, termasuk gw mungkin, tapi ngga gitu juga kaleeeek. Gw muak jadi orang 'ngambang', or you could say 'a middle man'. I'm more like a do-er person with less talking of course. Kalo gw ngeliat sesuatu yang salah dengan seseorang, ya gw ngomong aja. Tapi gw heran aja ada tipe orang yang begitu berapi-apinya membenci seseorang, tapi pas ngomong langsung sama orang yang dibencinya malah tiba-tiba make muka malaikat.

Yang kesel tuh kalo ternyata gw malah kemakan sama omongan seseorang yang akhirnya gw ikutan ngga suka sama orang lain. Tentu aja sebagai orang yang less talking and lebih suka melakukan sesuatu, ya gw ikut-ikutan jutek dan lebih nunjukkin sikap ngga suka gw, tapi orang yang menghasut gw malah jadi orang supeeeeeeeer ramaaaaaaaah 50 kali lipat dari normal sama orang yang dia ngga suka. Ditambah lagi, gw malah kena semprot dari orang yang menghasut gw itu. Udah gila yah dunia ini. Gila. Sakit Parah Gila. Speechless beyond any sense in the world.

Padahal sebelumnya gw disuruh kaga usah ramah-ramah ama orang yang dibencinya -____- Sakit ya lo. Sakit. Gw speechless.

Hello, semuanya. Apa kabar kalian di tahun 2013? Apa kabar gw selama ini?

Iya, sudah sekian lama gw menghilang...lagi *sigh* Gw juga ngga tahu gw selama ini ngapain aja kok susah amir update blog. Kabar gw selama ini...baik-baik aja. Setelah drama patah hati beberapa bulan lalu, gw bertapa di Gunung bernama Pikiran. Iya, gw jadi banyak pikiran setelah itu kek lagunya Sara Bareilles "Uncharted". Pikiran gw kek uncharted gitu, berantakan banget. 

Dan kemudian, seperti kejadian patah hati sebelum-sebelumnya, gw bersyukur juga sih sama Yang-Di-Atas karena kalo dipikir-pikir cowok itu ngga banget. Totally not the best for me. Setelah itu ada banyak hal yang terungkapkan soal cowok itu. Misalnya kek ternyata I'm not the only one who got heartbroken over him karena dia bener-bener tukang PHP parah mampus alias tukang Pemberi Harapan Palsu ke banyak cewek. And I'm not the only one. Dan gw bukanlah korban terparah. Oh maybe I'm the second worst, tapi tetep aja bukan gw yang paling parah. Dan ada banyak hal-hal lainnya yang kemudian terungkapkan yang gw ngga bisa bilang di sini, but yep...gila gw bersyukur banget ama Tuhan jadi kek gini.

Bisa dibilang gw ambil banyak hikmahnya dari kejadian ini. Like for one, I would never ever ever gonna believe in people anymore. And I'm glad I cut off my friend from my life. That hypocrite girl. Setelah semua ini, bukan masalah cowoknya yang buat gw sakit hati sampai hari ini, tapi masalah teman gw yang buat dada gw nyesek setiap gw ingat soal ini. Ngga usah kali ya gw jelasin panjang lebar soal ini. Orang pinter juga tahu kenapa bisa begitu. Kalo bisa disimpulkan mungkin bisa make peribahasa 'pagar makan tanaman'. Ya begitulah kira-kira.

Ah, sudahlah. Ini nggak penting lagi (whatthe--kok gw lagi-lagi ngomong soal kejadian lalu seh?) Anyway, setelah kejadian ini, gw jadi bertranformasi menjadi kutu buku sungguhan. Beneran deh gw jadi kutu buku mampus. Karena mau nggak mau kan kalo patah hati, otak kita tuh jadi terus kepikiran gituh, so gw cari cara deh untuk menyibukkan otak gw biar ngga kepikiran lagi. And the right answer for that is reading books as many as I can. Alhasil, mata gw minusnya nambah, migrain gw tambah parah. Sebelumnya gw jarang banget migrain, tapi sekarang nyaris tiap hari gw migrain (gilaaaaaaaaaaa!!!). Gw jadi kurang tidur, en leher gw jadi sakit karena sering salah posisi duduk atau tidur gituh (gw sering baca sambil tiduran gituh yang akhirnya jadi ketiduran en pas bangun pagi badan gw jadi sakit semua en leher jadi tengengan alias ngga bisa digerakkin).

BUT, IT'S ALL WORTH IT.

Man, I'd do anything to get over those kinda people.

Dengan baca buku, gw jadi mampu berpikir dari perspektif yang berbeda tentang dunia ini, tentang masalah gw sendiri juga sih kadang-kadang, tentang apa aja deh.

So, for all people out there yang lagi patah hati, ato yang baru aja jadi korban PHP, go to a book store and get a really really good book. Ato kalo elo bingung buku apa aja yang bagus, jangan sungkan tanya ke gw. Kirim aja email ke gw and pasti gw bales kok.

The truth is... I do really really hate to say 'hate', especially when I mention someone's name behind that word.

Not that I'm trying to be a saint or anything, but the word 'hate' is kind of extreme for me. If I ever say that word, it means big thing. To be honest, I'm such a easy going person. I forget people's mistakes easily. I forgive people easily. I always tried my best to understand people who did bad things to me and that's why I could forgive them easily. That is why I don't hate people easily.

But, in your case--yeah, I think I hate you...

I hate the people who don't like to be judged, but they always judge other people.
Just like you. You always mad when I try to be honest with you. I want to make you a better person. I want to fix you by telling the truth about you, but you were so mad. You said that I have no right to judge you. You said I know nothing about you. You were right. Because no one can read others mind. Therefore, no one has right to judge people. But you then dare to judge me. You weren't even trying to see things from my place. You don't even know anything about what I have been through.

I tried to make you understand. I asked you to see things from my place, but you kept blaming me. You kept judging me. How dare you... You are not me. I'm tired talking to you. I'm tired to convince you to be on my side...to understand me.

I hate you.

No matter what I say, you still have this negative thought about me. Even if we're not fighting, even if we're such a good friends on the surface, even if we don't have conflict to each other, I still couldn't get rid the thought that you have misjudged me, that you think of me in a bad way.

Please, somebody tell me, is it wrong to push that person away? Because I couldn't bear to have fake friendship which I must fake my acts, my smile, and my everything to the person that I don't believe in. I mean, does any of you could be friends with the person who doesn't even believe in you? For me, it doesn't make any sense at all.

I do really hate that person.

And this 'hate' will not go away until I talk this 'hate' away to the person itself.

God, give me strength.

I'll never forget you...
You made things so easy
The way you hurt me
The way you hurt us

I'll never forget you...
The lessons you've taught me
The lies you told me
The games you played

I'll never forget you...
The feeling I have for you
The tears that were shed for you
The things I did for you

I'll never forget you...
My little sanctuary
My little happiness
The little light in my darkness...

I don't think I can ever forget you...
The little space in my heart still longing for you...

I really don't know what to write in here. Actually, that is the reason why I couldn't update my blog. Most of the time I really want to write something, but then I just let the mood fly away because I really have no idea what to write. But this time I force myself to write since it has been awhile. This blog needs new post or it will die just like the rest of my neglected blogs.

And now I want to tell you some events that has happened to me recently.

1. As usual my friends brought new people to me and of course they are well--you can say they are potential people to be my new clients. I must admit that they have taught me valuable lessons that I can't get anywhere else. I am excited to have these people in my life. Hopefully, we can be closer and closer and eventually they can become my best friends although most of them are married people which can make things complicated.

2. I got back together again with my long lost brother/friend, aka my bro-friend. I made him mad long time ago and we haven't talked again since that day. So, couple days ago I accidentally sent wrong message to him. That message was supposed to be sent to my other friend. And thanks to that, he then told me that he missed me gyaaaaa gyaaaa.... I was sooooo happy to hear that.

3. I love God more and more each day. I don't know why but one day I feel God's presence and it made me feel so happy. That is the greatest feeling. I haven't felt that way for a long time. Have you ever felt the same way? You just feel happy without any particular reason even though you got a lot of problems, but you feel like everything is gonna be okay and you just wanna dance and dance and dance. That is exactly of how I feel right now.

I love God so much >_____<

Thanks for everything, Lord.

I wish I could see oceans of blue in you...
The one that I can call home
The place where I belong to

As vast as ocean your heart can be
I wish you could embrace all my colors in your deep calm blue

Dear, I'm a girl with a lot of colors
I have more colors than a rainbow can have
If only there was a time where you can learn each of them,
I wonder what would happen...
I wonder if you were going to choose me

But, what's done is done

Maybe you are not my oceans of blue
Maybe it's somewhere else...
Waiting to be found
Waiting to be mine

I feel honored when people come to me and ask about my tribe. And sometimes I just can't understand why people from other country are interested, moreover they study about batak culture. To be honest, I come from modern batak family, so I probably don't know much about my own tribe (I know...I'm so ashamed of myself  >___<). But, I'll take this opportunity to getting know about batak's tribe. I have asked around (to my friends, parents, family) and hopefully, people from around the world will know more about my tribe, Batak. So, here we go.

As you all may know, Batak ethnic origin is in North Sumatra. There are six kinds of batak's tribe out there: Batak Toba, Batak Karo, Batak Mandailing, Batak Simalungun, Batak Pakpak and Batak Angkola. Each of them have their own language, their own culture activities, etc, but they all come from same ancestor.

It is said that the very first Batak ancestor is called Raja Batak or King Batak. All of this King Batak's offsprings become King in their own region and that is why every each of Batak's sons and daughters to this day are called as the descendants of the Kings. That is why Batak people can be very fierce, harsh and a little bit 'persuasive' with their talking skill (lol), because most of batak people have been educated to be a 'king' since young age.

Like I said above, I come from modern family, so I never have any conflict regarding the patriarchy  system of Batak or any old belief/myth/custom or those shit stuff that would mistreated me and my siblings anyhow, but some of my friends have been so traumatized by those system that make them hate their family so much. 

One of my friend, Adelle (not real name of course), her grandpa spit on her on the day she was born because he wanted a boy. The worst thing is he was never talk to her until the day he died. He didn't even know her name and treated her like a stranger or a servant sometimes. But, her grandpa was always full of love to her younger brother. Who wouldn't get hurt in that situation? And my other friend, Tina, her big family (uncles, aunties, grandparents) is always and always look down on her parents, especially her mother because they don't have a son.

I was lucky enough to be born in modern family to not have those kind of problem, but that doesn't mean that I'm free from many kinds of obligations as a firstborn child and first granddaughter in my big family. Although sometimes I kinda enjoy it because people in my family always 'listen' to me as if like I'm a true princess (okay, you can laugh your ass off now lol), someimes I feel like my words are an order for younger people in my family.

Oh well, I'll explain more about batak later... >___<

Aku masih hancur, Alfa.
Berserakan di bawah sana, sendirian.
Memikirkan dia dan orang itu tertawa bersama di atas air mataku.
Memikirkan dia, yang pernah kusebut sahabatku sendiri, menuai cinta bersama
orang itu, orang yang selama ini aku idam-idamkan seumur hidup.

Benar, Alfa, aku tahu apa yang akan Kau katakan,
Bahwa aku tak semestinya memikirkan mereka
Bahwa Kau sudah merencanakan orang lain yang lebih baik untuk aku
Bahwa aku harus menyibukkan diriku agar bisa melupakan dirinya

Kau tahu benar, Alfa, aku sudah melakukan semuanya
Kegiatan-kegiatan baru menguras energi, teman-teman baru bak komedian kelas atas,
buku-buku motivasi diri dan buku lainnya yang mampu menyita seluruh isi otakku
Semuanya, Alfa... semuanya sudah aku lakukan
Hingga di satu titik, aku sadar aku masih menangisi dirinya

Aku masih merindukannya...

Alfa, apa lagi yang harus aku lakukan untuk mengangkat rasa perih ini?
Apa lagi yang harus aku lakukan agar aku tak lagi sakit melihat mereka berdua?
Sungguh, Alfa, aku menginginkan yang terbaik untuk orang itu...
Jika dia bisa membahagiakannya, aku pasrah, Alfa...
Aku rela...

Tapi, kenapa hatiku perih?

Kenapa?

Alfa, kasihanilah aku dan angkat rasa perih ini...

Please....

I have one weird story. I may have said it in my previous blog. Few of my loyal readers may have read it, but I wanna tell you again.

I once had a friend. He was my best friend. I forgot how did I meet him for the first time. It was so many years ago. If I'm not mistaken, I know him from a friend of mine. And after that we were constantly talking on facebook chat messenger. Sometimes he called me, but then it got intense and before we know it, we both couldn't go to sleep before hearing each other's voice. The thing that I like was that what we had was pure friendship and that's all. I never saw him as in romantic light, and so was him (at least that was what I thought).

At our first meeting, he was also clearly told me that he has girlfriend that he will never ever leave (which I wondered why he said that because I never asked). Once awhile he mentioned his girlfriend to me. He mostly complained about her and I was always help him to make things better.

But, as days passed by, I felt there was something weird about our relationship. He said he has girlfriend but he called me everyday for hours and he did things for me that make me confused. There was also a time where he don't wanna talk about his girlfriend and sometimes he even implied that he no longer has girlfriend. And I was like... did he break up with his gf because of me?

I gotta admit that I was kinda flattered, but I also know that me and him are so 'Mission Impossible'. There are many factors but mostly because I know that I don't have that feeling to him. I may have confused that I might have feeling for him, but every time I see his eyes, I don't see it there. I realize that it was because I feel flattered for what he did for me, for how he treated me.

So I tried to get our relationship on the right track, that we only friends and that's all. At first I didn't pick up his calls and I also kept bringing his girlfriend to our conversation, and I also told him about some guys I liked. For couple months, it was good and I know we were on the right track. But more and more each day he became rude to me. He was always throwing rude and harsh jokes about me. Luckily, I grew up among lots of brothers so I kinda used to it. I never got mad at him, except that day.

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