I don't know what to call this feeling. I don't think I can call this 'love' yet. It'll be so weird. I mean, I still don't know anything about you. I still don't know what you really are. Are you really the man I've been waiting for? Or are you someone else that I don't know? Sometimes I feel like I don't know you. Sometimes I feel like I know you. I still don't know what kind of person you are.

But, all I know is... the feeling when I miss you so much on weekdays where I can't talk to you, or the feeling when my heart beating so fast when I talk to you are all real. And also the feeling when I think of you every time I listen to love songs. I've been in love before, but I have this weird feeling to you. When I fall in love, I usually become stupid person who can't even find proper words when I talk to the person I fall in love with. And I feel so happy just to see the person I love from far away and mostly I'm scared to even start a conversation.

But this time it's different. I want more of you. I'm not happy when I can't talk to you. I can't just only see you from far away. I want to be by your side and see your smile every day. This is the first time I ever feel this way. I wonder why. Is it because I actually don't love you? Or is it because this time it's the real love? lol.

One thing I know for sure is I don't want to get that answer now. I want to enjoy this weird feeling and then find the answer slowly as how the reality goes. I won't put up my hopes high, thinking that you gonna feel the same like I do. If you do belong to me, you won't see me as an option. But for now... yeah, I'm just an option for you because I couldn't lie about my feeling.

These 2 days been so crazy. I'm so tired.

I made a huge mess, and I have to pay it dearly. My dad's gonna be disappointed if he know. And I feel like I'm losing my face to all people I see. I'm so ashamed of myself. I really wanna tell each of them, "I'm really really really really really really sorry." and then bow down to the ground if I can.

But, what's done is done. I can't go back to the past to fix it all.

"There's no point blaming people. Just keep moving forward and do what we can do."

I almost cried when I heard someone said that. She doesn't know how much it means to me. I feel so grateful when we can still find solution to fix it. But still, we need a lot of prayers to be succeed 100%.

I surrender to God  >____<

And friends, please pray for me >____<

Stop asking for something unspeakable
Because it's always shown I'm here just for you

Stop talking for something unsure, dear
If only you can see my eyes and see the truth there

No need a word to be said
No need emotion to emphasize what I feel
No need tears to show what is real

I've tried to stop the time to chase your shadow
I've tried to stop the time to be with you... always

But you choose to not see that
And let black clouds blinded your eyes and your perfect sense
Take you to wrong direction that I cannot enter

I surrender to fate now, dear
I don't want to defend myself to you
Because you gonna think I'm lying

Let the truth comes to you
And tell their story on their own

And I will always be here... waiting for you...

Aku sebenarnya sedang diproses. Sakit emang. Ditambah lagi bergumul dengan sesuatu, atau lebih tepatnya dengan seseorang. Emang ngga mudah ngejalanin semuanya, apalagi kalau hasilnya tidak sesuai dengan harapan. Hasilnya memang sejak awal sudah bisa ditebak dan aku menyerah karena sudah tahu. Tapi, seseorang datang dan membangkitkan harapan.

Mungkin sebagian orang berpikir kalau hal ini bagus, tapi ngga buat aku. Kemungkinannya terlalu kecil, dan aku juga sebenarnya udah tahu bahwa harapan itu hanyalah asumsi belaka. Aku bukannya malah merasa damai sejahtera, tapi jadi makin menggila karena harapan ini. Akhirnya, aku putuskan untuk membuat klimaks sekalian. Biar aku tahu pasti bagaimana hasil akhirnya. Biar aku tahu pasti langkah apa yang harus kuambil selanjutnya.

And, BAM!!! Akhirnya semua misteri terpecahkan. All the missing puzzles have been found. Dan yep, hasilnya sudah seperti yang kuduga, tapi sayangnya... bisa dibilang jadi agak ngambang. Katanya, semuanya terserah aku. Jawaban tipikal yang sengaja untuk tidak membuat sakit hati... mungkin.

Aku ingin berteriak, memaksa agar aku mendapatkan jawaban yang jelas karena udah terlalu banyak rumor yang aku dengar. Terlalu banyak -sigh-... Terlalu banyak yang membuat sakit hati, dada teriris, hidup tak tenang. Jadi kuputuskan untuk benar-benar menyerah seperti rencanaku semula. Kalau emang dia untukku, dia akan mengejarku dengan sekuat tenaga. Tapi, sewaktu kutanya, apakah aku harus menyerah? Dia malah bilang, terserah aku.

Yo wes lah. Dia ngga layak buat aku.

Cari gebetan baru hahahah.

Di sisi lain, aku bersyukur ama Tuhan. Gila yah setelah berbulan-bulan, akhirnya aku legaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... banget. Ini juga anugrah loh :D

Thanks, God.

I took these pics long ago. I forgot I have it. So, there's a stray cat in my neighborhood, quite chubby and very stubborn. Sometimes she sneaked in to my house stealing food from kitchen. She usually camped out around my house and I was surprised to see her weird habit.

I'm trying to picture you on sunset,
Calling your name to the other side of the world
Nothing more sad than knowing that...
No one can hear me besides my heart,
And the roaring waves

I picture you standing alone on the beach
Not even my trace on your side
But when my time has come,
I shall call your name,
And I'll be the sea where you always come home to

Dawn on your shoulder
Night before me
And the moon watching me,
Lights my steps ahead
And I keep walking
I will keep walking,
Because I want you to know I'm here...

I'm here...

Looking at you on sunset,
I'm trying to walk on the edge between two worlds
Nothing more beautiful
Nothing that I miss more
Besides you...

I wish you know...

I'm here.

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Percaya.

It means believe.

Sometimes I fall in depression, desperation, discouragement. Okay, maybe not sometimes, but most of the time hahaha. Mostly some of people I care are the cause, and some other time because I have failed. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who is easily give up when I know I'm gonna fail. I do blame my parents for that. I've been growing up with their words that I would never achieve my dreams, that I will always fail in everything I do because what I wanted, what I dreamed is not what their wish. And of course, they insisted that I must do everything they want in order to be not fail. I went to the school they chose from kindergarten, high school, university, and also the kind of work I must do. They always do some err... 'cruel?' things so I end up doing what they want. They never listen what I want to do.


Every time I tell my dreams to them, they will always say, "No, because you gonna fail." 
The worst part is they even want me to get married with the guy they gonna choose for me *facepalm* (I swear I'm gonna runaway from this country if that happen). In that kind of situation, I feel like I have died inside for a very very long time. I don't believe in myself that I could do things amazing, extraordinary things like most successful people do.

All this time I've been in rebellious stage haha (I think it's natural, right?). My parents have become soft lately to me even though some things haven't changed yet, but I'm sure it will get better. All I know is to keep thinking positive and have faith to the Almighty One that everything is gonna be okay.

And I feel more energized when I listen to Bayu Risa's single, 'Percaya'.

This song inspired with the struggles of children with cancer. I love every word in this song. After all, we must believe in ourselves even though people around us don't believe in us.

Keep fighting!

And don't give up!

Believe!

He:  I know you love me.
Me:  Huh? What?

And then he laughed after that. I thought he was joking, so I didn't ask him why he said that, but I knew there was something strange. He was always trying to be beside me. He was always tailing me wherever I go. He was always taking picture of us as if like he's trying to make us seen as a couple. Everybody thought we were a couple. He also always put his hand around my shoulder or waist as if like I'm his girl, but I pretended I had something to do every time he do that.

Then, something happened.

He came to me, trying to console me, but at that time there was a lot of people around me so he couldn't talk much to me. Few days later I decided to make things clear, so I came to him and ask him, 'What has that 'bitch' told you about me?' But he was insisted to never ever tell me EVER. I was mad, disappointed. Deep down I already know the answer. I just want him to be honest to me. I thought he was one of those few people that I can call as my best friend, who don't hold back anything, who would 'attack' me directly on the face, not stabbing me from behind. I was trying to avoid him for weeks, but then he finally can caught me in the end.

He was kinda dragging me while holding my hand tightly. So tight that it hurt. That was the first time I ever feel scared of what a guy can do. He yelled at me, asking for answer. I told him that I don't want to have anything to do with him. I told him about my assumption. I said I might not know what exactly that bitch told him, but I can somehow figure it out. He then admit it. That bitch told him I fell in love with him and that I would do anything for him, including sleeping with him.

I was so mad, but I tried to be calm. I don't know what has gotten into me, I said the cruelest word ever to him. I told him I will never ever in love with him. I told him that he's not my type, that he's not a man I ever wanted, that I would even never like a loser like him.

I wish I didn't tell him that.

Because I haven't seen him since that day.

I asked his friends, they said he has changed his phone number. No one really know what's his new number and where is he right now. All I heard that he has worked in government's department. I really want to apologize to him. I want to talk to him again. And having fun together in our favourite spot.

Miss you, T.

I was on my way back home and I was surprised to see this on the road.

Nah, relax. I'm not gonna talk about my broken heart again like what I used to talk in my old blog haha. This time I wanna tell you that I just found one cute song from Big's drama soundtrack, 'Hey You'.

That song remind me of how fun it is to be fall in love. You just keep smiling at random times, when you're at work, when you're alone or when some shit happened in your life. Love can bring little sparkle in your heart, makes you want to do best everyday, brings you 'life' when you feel not living.

I always and always looking for this feeling, but the thing is I can't fall in love easily >____< and once I fall in love it'll be so deep that it's gonna tearing my heart so bad and turning my world upside down. And mostly, when it happens, most of my friends would say something like... 'Freya, stop loving him!'

I'm tired being hurt. I'm scared to go to that place again where I'm ready to give everything to the person I love, but that person left me just because we are not meant to be. No matter how hard I try to make it work, if we are not fated to be together, everything will be useless. I don't wanna go there again. Feeling hurt for someone who doesn't deserve of my love.


I'm scared... but I want to fall in love again.