I have one weird story. I may have said it in my previous blog. Few of my loyal readers may have read it, but I wanna tell you again.

I once had a friend. He was my best friend. I forgot how did I meet him for the first time. It was so many years ago. If I'm not mistaken, I know him from a friend of mine. And after that we were constantly talking on facebook chat messenger. Sometimes he called me, but then it got intense and before we know it, we both couldn't go to sleep before hearing each other's voice. The thing that I like was that what we had was pure friendship and that's all. I never saw him as in romantic light, and so was him (at least that was what I thought).

At our first meeting, he was also clearly told me that he has girlfriend that he will never ever leave (which I wondered why he said that because I never asked). Once awhile he mentioned his girlfriend to me. He mostly complained about her and I was always help him to make things better.

But, as days passed by, I felt there was something weird about our relationship. He said he has girlfriend but he called me everyday for hours and he did things for me that make me confused. There was also a time where he don't wanna talk about his girlfriend and sometimes he even implied that he no longer has girlfriend. And I was like... did he break up with his gf because of me?

I gotta admit that I was kinda flattered, but I also know that me and him are so 'Mission Impossible'. There are many factors but mostly because I know that I don't have that feeling to him. I may have confused that I might have feeling for him, but every time I see his eyes, I don't see it there. I realize that it was because I feel flattered for what he did for me, for how he treated me.

So I tried to get our relationship on the right track, that we only friends and that's all. At first I didn't pick up his calls and I also kept bringing his girlfriend to our conversation, and I also told him about some guys I liked. For couple months, it was good and I know we were on the right track. But more and more each day he became rude to me. He was always throwing rude and harsh jokes about me. Luckily, I grew up among lots of brothers so I kinda used to it. I never got mad at him, except that day.

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I know I have awesome brothers, especially the one I'm gonna talk about in here. I always look up to him. Half of who I am today is all from him. The way I see the world, the way I think, the way I socialize with people, the way I humor the world. He has been a great influence to me. And also everybody loves my brother, everybody trusts him and willing to sacrifice anything for him (esp girls tho lol). He's been a wonderful advisor for everybody. When it comes to love and girls, believe me he's the expert.

He also has such a big, wide web of friendship. He has lots of friends everywhere. You want to get to know some hot models? He has them. Doctors, lawyers, DJs, architects, entrepreneurs, and also other people beyond country. So, long short story, I called him and said that I want him to set a blind date for me with some hot foreigners, hopefully they have blue eyes and tall figure (alias bule gituh loh hahaha). But guess what he told me.

Brother:   Nuh-uh. Your mother's gonna kill me. Those people don't even believe in God. I don't wanna take that risk. They are all dangerous to you.
Me:   Whyyyyy? Well, it won't be hurt to have them as a friend. I'm not a kid anymore. I know what's right to do and what's not to do.
Brother:   No way, you're still a kid. You can't hang out with those people.
My older sister:  Wow, you are so weird. You told your sister she can't hang out with them while you told her that you've been sleeping around with some European girls.
Brother:   Well, she's still a kid. And I want to keep it that way.

And I was like -_____________-

I can't believe he still treat me as a kid. If only he know why I need a blind date so much right now, he would've done it for me. Brother, I need new guy on my mind now because I still can't stop thinking about that old Neptune -sigh-

Please, brother JB.

I love children. There's no doubt about it. I love children so much that I wanna have them right now. I want a sweet little girl with puffy curly hair like mine and eyes of cat eyes shaped like mine, or a smartass boy who always know everything just because he's smart like me. I want 4 kids of my own, and 5 adopted kids. I will raise them with love and show them how big the world is and how fun life can be, and that life is full of responsibility and that they can be whatever they want as long as they work hard for it. I do really really want kids so much.

But then here's a big question for me, who's the father?

LOOOOL. I don't even have a boyfriend yet.

The funny thing is... I even asked my friends who were about having abortion to keep their babies. I told them I would do anything for them. I would pay the hospital fee or their nutrition or food or anything so they can have healthy babies and I'll be the one who will take care of them, but none of my friends took my offers. I do understand though. They were under stress. Their boyfriends just ran away when they know they knocked out their girlfriends. And their family would definitely cast them out for life. They were scared, confused, lost and depressed, so they always told me they had no choice but to kill their babies.

I always cried, but mostly I cried in silent because I don't want to make my friends feeling worse. But sometimes I couldn't hold my tears and I just cried in front of them when I can't change their mind.

There are many people out there trying to have babies, and some of them cannot have it no matter how much they try, but my friends killed their own flesh and blood. What an irony.

God, I wish I could get married soon with someone I love >____< and have lots of kids heheh

PS:  Test Pack Movie was AWESOME. I rarely give compliment to Indonesian movies, but this one is different. You all should watch it.

"Brother, do you know how to mend a broken heart?" I asked my brother one day few years ago.

"There is no exact way to do that. You just have to go out from your room and enjoy life like strolling in a park, breathing and enjoy fresh air. Appreciate every little thing in your life like the books in your room or movies or something that you really like. Get your mind focus on that and try to forget the pain in your heart."

"What if I still can't get over it?"

"Then you have to keep trying until you can."

I smiled... bitterly.

Because I have done it all and yet... I still couldn't... move on.

On the other side, I know my brother has a point because he has been through a lot of hell and back alive.

And few years later, I couldn't believe I still remember of what Denny told me.

I did everything what he told me. Sometimes it helped, sometimes its not.

So I did an extra effort: pray and fast.

So far it got me to... I don't know... I just don't wanna feel hurt anymore so I took an extreme action (if you can say so)...

I'm just hoping God could fix my heart fast this time.

I was thinking... if my feeling to him is like a paper boat that was sent to Neptunes by Kugy.
Got crushed into a pulp on its way before reaching to the sea... to the heart of Neptunes.
The god of the sea never had any idea of how I felt toward him, of how he meant for me.
He never got my paper boat...
He never got my feeling...
He never got me...

I whispered my heart, "It is fate, dear. It's your fate."
And I smiled while looking up to the sky and said, "You are so funny, Big Guy. So Funny."
At first I was laughing but then I found myself in the pool of tears.

"There must be something in this, dear. The Big Guy has a plan for you."
That was my mind told my heart.

I gave up.
Also, I thought there's no use to keep crying about it.
No use to keep feeling hurt about it even though it's still... there... watching me closer... and closer
It's unavoidable...
I admit, I'm still helpless against it...

But since I know the truth, I send my paper boat to the God of Light, to the God of Sky, God of Universe... God of my soul

No more paper boat to god of sea...
Cannot send any more paper boat to the god of my heart

He will be replaced.
Another god will come... and rules my heart...
As the will of God of my soul...

Saat saya sudah merasa damai, saya salah.
Saya sudah pergi menjauh... terbang ke dunia yang lain
Menyibukkan raga di tempat yang tak terjangkau oleh kalian
Namun, tetap saja pikiran saya di sana... menangis, merintih

Saya tak mau berpikir yang lalu
Tak mau juga berpikir tentang kalian
Saya sungguh tak mau berpikir buruk tentang kalian
Kalian hanya manusia. Saya pun demikian.

Jadi, Alfa. Saya mohon.
Angkat rasa sakit ini dan biarkan dunia saya damai kembali.

Saya. Ingin. Bebas.

Seseorang pernah bilang ke saya, "Hidup kamu kok kayak sinetron?"
Saya tertawa. Menurut saya, rasa-rasanya tidak seperti itu deh. Kemudian saya berpikir, apa karena saya ceritanya rada lebay ato gimana ya? Kenapa dia malah bilang kayak gitu? Tapi sungguhan kok kalo apa yang saya pernah ke cerita ke dia itu yang sebenar-benarnya.

Sampai kemudian dua hari kemarin, saya menerima kenyataan yang sangat mengejutkan. Seumur-umur saya ngga pernah ngalamin yang seperti itu. Hati terkoyak-koyak ngga karuan. Seolah ada lubang hitam di dada, dan seketika jadi terasa sesak. Untungnya saya hidup di dalam Tuhan, kalo ngga mungkin saya langsung emosi dan membuat semua orang sakit hati.

Dan setelah kepala saya mendingin malah muncul seribu kalimat yang berawalan, "What if..."

Saya baru ngerasa kalo hidup saya beneran kayak sinetron. Saya mau cerita juga rumit banget. Saking rumitnya saya bahkan belum curhat ke siapa-siapa soal masalah saya ini. Mau minta nasihat juga susah, wong saya cerita aja susah jelasinnya. Mungkin juga salah satu alasannya karena saya ngga mau seolah-olah mengulang mimpi buruk dengan mulut saya sendiri, atau mungkin juga karena saya tidak mau menerima kenyataan? Semuanya memang terasa fana sampai detik ini juga buat saya.

Saya hancur.

Saya cuman doa, dan doa... dan doa biar hati saya dikuatkan.

Agar rasa sakit ini hilang.

Agar ada terang di tengah kegelapan.

Agar Tuhan ikut campur tangan menyelesaikan masalah.

Dan kemudian saya pun mengambil keputusan, saya tidak akan menceritakan hal ini pada siapa-siapa sampai saya dapat melihat ujungnya, sampai saya merasa damai sejahtera, sampai saya benar-benar mengerti rencana Tuhan di balik ini semua. Karena saya tidak mau nantinya... ketika saya curhat soal masalah ini... saya malah menghina dia dan orang itu. This is nobody's fault. But you can say this is all my fault... who never try hard enough to get what I want.

Dan, saya pasrah. sama. Tuhan.

Saya terima. Apapun hasilnya nanti.

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