I always love You... always...
Just by saying it, tears pouring down on my cheeks.
Coz I know I'm no worthy just saying that
I always hurt You... again... and again...

I can feel You were crying beside me when I let You down
Forgive me, please....

I missed You
I missed Your love
I missed to be called as Your favourite kid again
I missed Your divine blessing to me
I missed how You revealed secrets to me

I'm sorry I've been running away from You
I'm sorry I didn't passed Your tests

I fell again and again in deeper sins

This time I give up, Lord.

Please take away all my burdens
Please make me strong so I could win in Your other tasks

I have no one who could truly support me in everything
I want to be at Your place when the time is come

One thing I ask to You, Lord...
Please, make me strong in everything...

They said I live in fantasy world. Everything I feel toward you, everything I know about you is not real. So I stop talking about my feeling. I keep you in my heart and lock you inside. No one knows that you’ve been living in my heart. Almost one year, right after  I dumped one rotten fruit from there. 

At first I thought you’re just like any other people I used to know. Boring, all with dozens routines and a set of mind of Roman citizen in their golden time. You never even put your foot in dark side which makes you despise people who had no choice but to live in there to survive. I didn’t like you at that time. You only willing to see things from one side, and don’t care about the other side.

But then, I know you’re from the same world like me. We were born under the same star. We both came from the same place, from the sea. We have the heart of Neptunes, god of the sea, the one who sent us to earth. Seeing you were practically same like seeing myself in a mirror. We are like one soul trapped in two body, but I do realize that I’m more extreme, and you are like the mature version of me.  Sometimes I feel like I know you like the back of my hand, but sometimes I don’t know you. 

As time goes by, I learned that you are Neptunes himself, a god... who lives in my heart. And I don’t know when exactly, but I started to feel scared of you. Was it because you are Neptunes? Or was it because I know that I’m no worthy of your high status? Or was it because you are god who always hang out with other gods, judging humans on earth? Or was it because of Hera, who’ve killed Zeus’ lovers and children out of jealousy? I don’t know what was the reason, but I started to retreat unconsciously, step by step, taking step back in order to protect myself, my heart, my pride. 

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I wrote this long time ago in my other blog heheh. Here we go:

1. I hate my first name so much. My High School Teacher said that my first name means ‘bad luck’ in Portuguese.

2. All my life I always thought I don’t belong to this planet hahaha.

3. I’m proud to be Aquarius. That’s why I’m not afraid to be different.

4. It’s every girl’s dream to be a princess in big castle, waiting to be saved by a prince with white horse, but NOT ME. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to be a knight with long sword, slaying dragons and monsters to protect people I love.

5. I’m one of those people who always do the opposites when I’m being told what to do. I always know exactly what I'm doing.

6. Once in a while, I need some time to be alone, to travel alone and to experience things on my own. Please warn me when I'm in that state, because mostly this will bring me a very big problem ahead.

7. I love traveling to mountains SO MUCH. I love jungle. I love big trees. I love fresh air.

8. I hate BEACH. Why? First, I can’t swim. Second, I’m afraid of water.

9. I love it when things become unpredictable. I love challenge. And I love it more when I win :D

10. I have secret obsession to be a movie director since I was in middle high school.

11. I get bored easily with everything.

12. Once I like something (or someone)  it'll be so hard to move on loool.

13. I rarely fall in love. And when I do, I fall too deep and would rather to keep it secret.

14. I’m moody level 10000000000~

15. People always think I’m heartless bitch, but actually I’m not. Tho I must admit that I love it when they think I am :D

16. Huge fan of Utada Hikaru and Homogenic. Other groups or boyband or any singer may come and go as my bias, but I will always love Utada and Homogenic forever.

17. I hate carrot, spinach, and peanut. 

18. My most fave food are fried rice, fried noodle, and spaghetti carbonara.

19. I want to get married with blue eyes guy  >___<

20. I always want to live in Norway for the rest of my life, and I guess to get married with Norwegian too XD.

21. I hate all kind of romance story in books, movies or mangas. I hate them all.

22. Even though I know I’m gonna be crushed in pieces, I always love the feeling of falling in love. I want to be in love all the time with the right person in the right time. 

23. I don’t like it when people think they know everything about me. Are they god or something? 

24. Love to hang out in a cafe on weekend. Alone with laptop at the corner, my fave spot.

25. My most fave anime of ALL TIME is D.gray-man. It's THE BEST. EVER!!!

26. I don’t wanna admit it and I’m not even a religious person, but I actually can’t live without God.

27. I don’t trust people easily.

28. I have sixth sense. Sometimes I can see future in my dreams. Sometimes.

29. Every time I'm feeling down, I always and must write how I feel. If not, there will be something terrible lol.

30. I love my family so much to the extent that I would kill anyone who hurt them. But but... I love God more >___< Aaaah, what a dilemma. I'm scared to God, so I guess I can't kill anyone lool.

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I don't know how to explain this (ROFL)

Well, if I have to explain from the beginning, the first thing I want to tell is that how grateful I am to have lots of friends that accept me the way I am. And I'm very lucky because they let me to be myself no matter how crazy or how embarrassing or how annoying I can be. They even don't let me to be different on my own. If I go crazy, they will do the same too lol, or maybe you can say that they're as crazy as I am haha.

But, don't you ever think we never have problem in our friendship. We all had our ups and downs. Like wise man once told me that girls' friendship is so fragile like a piece of paper. Once you break it, there's no other way to turn it back. He was right. But like I said, I'm a very lucky girl to have lots good friends in my life.

I have many close friends who know exactly what are my flaws, my dark side and everything. Some of them satirize all of that and put those into a quite bitter jokes and then mostly we end up laughing bitterly in a very elegant way (I mean we mostly try so hard to not kill each other, so we laugh instead lol). No wonder if I have to wear 'mask' to these kind of people.

Some of them accept all of me and together we help each other to be a better person. And of course, honesty is the most important thing in here. Without honesty, we can't even move on and become a better person.

So today, I asked a question to my best friend. I do admit that something happened around a week ago. I really want to tell her everything, but I don't know. It was so hard to even say a word about it. What if she judge me? What if she make fun of me? What if she tell other people? I'm so scared about the possibility she will betray my expectation. So, instead of talking about my problem, I asked her a question:

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

And OMG, I was surprised with her answer. I was like, 'did she know anything about what happened to me lately?' lol. But, I thought it's impossible since I never told anyone except people on net world. More or so, she answered my question like this, "Nez, I think you're a very smart girl, but sometimes you can be so stupid like a child, especially when it comes to love."

And then she told me how I was with my ex loool and then the other 2 guys I fell in love with.

:| Damn, she knows me too well. And I was panic when she said, "Why did you ask that? Don't tell me you fall in love again."

Haish, damn you, A.

I'm tired to keep bugging my brother or sister to drive me anywhere. Well, I have scooter but when it rain outside, I can't go out and also it's pretty hot out there. I can feel all those sun light pour on my beautiful skin huhuhu. So yeah, I don't think twice when my dad offer me to learn how to drive a car.

Actually I already know how to drive in high school, but I got in some kind of 'accidents' and then I'm scared to drive again. My dad even already bought me a car, but since I can't drive, my dad gave it to my brother.

So when my brother decided to move out from our house, I know I can't count anyone else anymore. I need to drive myself. My dad has been so stressed when he teach me haha. Like today, I almost hit a big truck in front of us haha. He kept complaining that he get older 20 years when he teach me lol.

Today he forced me to drive on highway. Thank God, I could drive well without any major incident. And then we went to mountains area of Bandung City. It was so beautiful. I always love mountains area. I love the air, the trees, everything. I don't know why but I have this weird connection with mountains or jungle or anything with big trees and animals. I feel like I belong there. If there was a reincarnation, I think I was a tiger who love to sit down on a tree, admiring the sound of nature. I really really love mountains. That's why I love Bandung so much.

These are the pics I took on my journey with my dad. I didn't even bring my phone, so I took these pic with my dad's phone. It's a bit dark, I know.

 That's the car I use, my sister's car. She's gonna kill me if she know haha.

By the way, when I was trying to upload those pics above, I found one weird pic in my dad's phone.

Is that Bull's ass?
Why the hell my dad took that pic for? LOOOL

You. Yes, I'm talking about you, the boy with chubby face and small brown eyes.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Four years ago you were with all smile and happy face, holding hand with your fiance, bragging your happiness to me that you gonna get married with the most perfect girl in the world. I didn't like her, but yeah you were so happy with her and that's all what matters to me. But then you said... you not gonna marry her just a month before the wedding.

A year later you brought me this hot, smart, sweet, sexy thing to me. You told me you two belong together. I swear to God, I had never seen such a perfect couple like you both. And I really really like her A LOT. You both helped me through some worst stage of my life. And to this day, I could still hearing your girlfriend's advice in my ear whenever I get down.

Two years later, I thought you already have plan to marry her. And yes, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you for two years. Well, we live in different city now. I never have any thought to call you lol. You never call me anyway lol. Long story short, I found you online on my messenger. Then when I asked you about your girlfriend, you told me you broke up with her a year ago. I'm sorry for scolding you so harsh about that. I mean I really could not fathom of your idiocy, your stupidity, your baka-ness. How could you let such a fine girl like that slip away from your hand?

You don't have to tell me. I could see it in your eyes. You belong to her and she belongs to you. You two are fated to be together, and yet you looked so fine when you told me you let her go. I was mad, fyi. REALLY MAD.

I asked your sister then. She gave me your secret blog. AND OMG. You counting the day you broke up with her? You wrote so many beautiful poems about her, about your sadness for missing her too much. I even cried when I read it.

I really don't know what to do with you. -sigh- Yet you seemed so fine when you were talking about her. I want to tell you though that its not healthy to keep her stay in your heart. But then I'm afraid I have to explain how I get that idea in my head while you never told me you still thinking about her. And then you gonna kill your sister for giving your secret blog to me.

Tell me, K. What should I do for you?

Guess what! I found one beautiful song on youtube accidentally, and I think it's so HIM. But of course, there are some part that isn't exactly him.

Let's see how the lyric goes.


Tall, dark and super manlyPuts papers in his briefcase and drives awayTo save the world or go to workIt's the same thing to me

He's got his mother's eyes, his father's ambitionI wonder if he knows how much that I miss himI hang on every word you say

You'll smile and say "How are you?"And I'll say, "Just fine"I always forget to tell you I love you ==> the word 'love' is kinda overated for now lol :PI'll love you forever

I watched Superman fly awayYou've got a busy day todayGo save the worldI'll be around

I watched Superman fly awayCome back, I'll be with you somedayI'll be right here on the groundWhen you come back down 
Tall, dark and beautifulHe's complicated, he's irrational (on the contrary, he's very rational lol)But I hope someday he'll take me awayAnd save the day, yeah

Something in his deep brown eyes has me sayingHe's not all bad like his reputationAnd I can't hear one single word they say

And you'll leave, got places to beAnd I'll be okayI always forget to tell you I love youI loved you from the very first day

And I watch you fly around the worldAnd I hope you don't chase another girlDon't forget, don't forget about me

I'm far away, but I'll never let you goI'm lovestruck and looking out the windowDon't forget, don't forget where I'll be

Right here wishing the flowers were from youWishing the card was from youWishing the call was from you'Cause I've loved you from the very first day

I really love the lyric at first time I hear it. It also describes him so well, except at the part 'dark' and 'brown eyes' lol. 
Then, I thought... ok, I'm gonna call him 'Superman' from now on. This is a bit weird because my most fave superhero ever since I was a kid was Superman. And here I found a song that describe him so well in a song titled 'Superman'. Coincidence?

"My Dear Superman, when you gonna come back down and get me?"
Sincerely, Freya

I really don't know what to write, but I want to write something. It's weird, isn't it? My mind is so messed up right now, but I don't wanna spill it on here, or to anyone. I already found the right solution, but I don't want to tell anyone. Because I feel like I'm gonna forget it if I do that. I want to keep remembering it, and do it on my own.

I want one person to encourage me though. One particular person that really matters to me. But that person's nowhere to find.

Even so, I know I'm not alone.

I could always look up to the sky and ask The Big Guy out there to support me. I know I could through this. With The Big Guy beside me, there is nothing impossible. All I have to do is not to overthinking and believe.

That's all.

"Don't judge a girl by her laughters, coz you don't know how many hours she cried last night... --@KeiSavourie

It's true that I laugh so much everyday. I always put a smile on my face and I usually laugh so loud as if like I'm happy all the time. If you think I never have problem and I live a good life all this time, you're wrong.

The truth is I've been through a lot and I always hide my pain with smiles and laughters. The louder my laugh is, the bigger the problem I hide. But not everyone is easy to fool with that. Some people who really care about me could always see me through my 'mask', that there's something wrong with me. They would usually let me laugh and make a joke out of everything and even let me make fun of them, teasing them all I want, and after that, they took me somewhere quiet to have a talk. Most of the time I just cried in front of them without talking and they would force me to tell them what was my problem.

But some people just let me cried out my heart and that's it. I respect these kind of people more. Not that I don't appreciate people who care about me, but sometimes it's so hard to talk about your problems. And also, I had enough bad experiences when my own friends use my 'secrets' to attack me. I even still couldn't believe that there was such a thing happened. I mean it was like a drama or something.

I believed them but they betrayed me.

So, no. I don't think I ever trust people again. But don't worry, I'm not alone. I always have friends to help me through bad stuff.

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