The truth is... I do really really hate to say 'hate', especially when I mention someone's name behind that word.

Not that I'm trying to be a saint or anything, but the word 'hate' is kind of extreme for me. If I ever say that word, it means big thing. To be honest, I'm such a easy going person. I forget people's mistakes easily. I forgive people easily. I always tried my best to understand people who did bad things to me and that's why I could forgive them easily. That is why I don't hate people easily.

But, in your case--yeah, I think I hate you...

I hate the people who don't like to be judged, but they always judge other people.
Just like you. You always mad when I try to be honest with you. I want to make you a better person. I want to fix you by telling the truth about you, but you were so mad. You said that I have no right to judge you. You said I know nothing about you. You were right. Because no one can read others mind. Therefore, no one has right to judge people. But you then dare to judge me. You weren't even trying to see things from my place. You don't even know anything about what I have been through.

I tried to make you understand. I asked you to see things from my place, but you kept blaming me. You kept judging me. How dare you... You are not me. I'm tired talking to you. I'm tired to convince you to be on my understand me.

I hate you.

No matter what I say, you still have this negative thought about me. Even if we're not fighting, even if we're such a good friends on the surface, even if we don't have conflict to each other, I still couldn't get rid the thought that you have misjudged me, that you think of me in a bad way.

Please, somebody tell me, is it wrong to push that person away? Because I couldn't bear to have fake friendship which I must fake my acts, my smile, and my everything to the person that I don't believe in. I mean, does any of you could be friends with the person who doesn't even believe in you? For me, it doesn't make any sense at all.

I do really hate that person.

And this 'hate' will not go away until I talk this 'hate' away to the person itself.

God, give me strength.

I'll never forget you...
You made things so easy
The way you hurt me
The way you hurt us

I'll never forget you...
The lessons you've taught me
The lies you told me
The games you played

I'll never forget you...
The feeling I have for you
The tears that were shed for you
The things I did for you

I'll never forget you...
My little sanctuary
My little happiness
The little light in my darkness...

I don't think I can ever forget you...
The little space in my heart still longing for you...

I really don't know what to write in here. Actually, that is the reason why I couldn't update my blog. Most of the time I really want to write something, but then I just let the mood fly away because I really have no idea what to write. But this time I force myself to write since it has been awhile. This blog needs new post or it will die just like the rest of my neglected blogs.

And now I want to tell you some events that has happened to me recently.

1. As usual my friends brought new people to me and of course they are well--you can say they are potential people to be my new clients. I must admit that they have taught me valuable lessons that I can't get anywhere else. I am excited to have these people in my life. Hopefully, we can be closer and closer and eventually they can become my best friends although most of them are married people which can make things complicated.

2. I got back together again with my long lost brother/friend, aka my bro-friend. I made him mad long time ago and we haven't talked again since that day. So, couple days ago I accidentally sent wrong message to him. That message was supposed to be sent to my other friend. And thanks to that, he then told me that he missed me gyaaaaa gyaaaa.... I was sooooo happy to hear that.

3. I love God more and more each day. I don't know why but one day I feel God's presence and it made me feel so happy. That is the greatest feeling. I haven't felt that way for a long time. Have you ever felt the same way? You just feel happy without any particular reason even though you got a lot of problems, but you feel like everything is gonna be okay and you just wanna dance and dance and dance. That is exactly of how I feel right now.

I love God so much >_____<

Thanks for everything, Lord.

I wish I could see oceans of blue in you...
The one that I can call home
The place where I belong to

As vast as ocean your heart can be
I wish you could embrace all my colors in your deep calm blue

Dear, I'm a girl with a lot of colors
I have more colors than a rainbow can have
If only there was a time where you can learn each of them,
I wonder what would happen...
I wonder if you were going to choose me

But, what's done is done

Maybe you are not my oceans of blue
Maybe it's somewhere else...
Waiting to be found
Waiting to be mine

I feel honored when people come to me and ask about my tribe. And sometimes I just can't understand why people from other country are interested, moreover they study about batak culture. To be honest, I come from modern batak family, so I probably don't know much about my own tribe (I know...I'm so ashamed of myself  >___<). But, I'll take this opportunity to getting know about batak's tribe. I have asked around (to my friends, parents, family) and hopefully, people from around the world will know more about my tribe, Batak. So, here we go.

As you all may know, Batak ethnic origin is in North Sumatra. There are six kinds of batak's tribe out there: Batak Toba, Batak Karo, Batak Mandailing, Batak Simalungun, Batak Pakpak and Batak Angkola. Each of them have their own language, their own culture activities, etc, but they all come from same ancestor.

It is said that the very first Batak ancestor is called Raja Batak or King Batak. All of this King Batak's offsprings become King in their own region and that is why every each of Batak's sons and daughters to this day are called as the descendants of the Kings. That is why Batak people can be very fierce, harsh and a little bit 'persuasive' with their talking skill (lol), because most of batak people have been educated to be a 'king' since young age.

Like I said above, I come from modern family, so I never have any conflict regarding the patriarchy  system of Batak or any old belief/myth/custom or those shit stuff that would mistreated me and my siblings anyhow, but some of my friends have been so traumatized by those system that make them hate their family so much. 

One of my friend, Adelle (not real name of course), her grandpa spit on her on the day she was born because he wanted a boy. The worst thing is he was never talk to her until the day he died. He didn't even know her name and treated her like a stranger or a servant sometimes. But, her grandpa was always full of love to her younger brother. Who wouldn't get hurt in that situation? And my other friend, Tina, her big family (uncles, aunties, grandparents) is always and always look down on her parents, especially her mother because they don't have a son.

I was lucky enough to be born in modern family to not have those kind of problem, but that doesn't mean that I'm free from many kinds of obligations as a firstborn child and first granddaughter in my big family. Although sometimes I kinda enjoy it because people in my family always 'listen' to me as if like I'm a true princess (okay, you can laugh your ass off now lol), someimes I feel like my words are an order for younger people in my family.

Oh well, I'll explain more about batak later... >___<

Aku masih hancur, Alfa.
Berserakan di bawah sana, sendirian.
Memikirkan dia dan orang itu tertawa bersama di atas air mataku.
Memikirkan dia, yang pernah kusebut sahabatku sendiri, menuai cinta bersama
orang itu, orang yang selama ini aku idam-idamkan seumur hidup.

Benar, Alfa, aku tahu apa yang akan Kau katakan,
Bahwa aku tak semestinya memikirkan mereka
Bahwa Kau sudah merencanakan orang lain yang lebih baik untuk aku
Bahwa aku harus menyibukkan diriku agar bisa melupakan dirinya

Kau tahu benar, Alfa, aku sudah melakukan semuanya
Kegiatan-kegiatan baru menguras energi, teman-teman baru bak komedian kelas atas,
buku-buku motivasi diri dan buku lainnya yang mampu menyita seluruh isi otakku
Semuanya, Alfa... semuanya sudah aku lakukan
Hingga di satu titik, aku sadar aku masih menangisi dirinya

Aku masih merindukannya...

Alfa, apa lagi yang harus aku lakukan untuk mengangkat rasa perih ini?
Apa lagi yang harus aku lakukan agar aku tak lagi sakit melihat mereka berdua?
Sungguh, Alfa, aku menginginkan yang terbaik untuk orang itu...
Jika dia bisa membahagiakannya, aku pasrah, Alfa...
Aku rela...

Tapi, kenapa hatiku perih?


Alfa, kasihanilah aku dan angkat rasa perih ini...


I have one weird story. I may have said it in my previous blog. Few of my loyal readers may have read it, but I wanna tell you again.

I once had a friend. He was my best friend. I forgot how did I meet him for the first time. It was so many years ago. If I'm not mistaken, I know him from a friend of mine. And after that we were constantly talking on facebook chat messenger. Sometimes he called me, but then it got intense and before we know it, we both couldn't go to sleep before hearing each other's voice. The thing that I like was that what we had was pure friendship and that's all. I never saw him as in romantic light, and so was him (at least that was what I thought).

At our first meeting, he was also clearly told me that he has girlfriend that he will never ever leave (which I wondered why he said that because I never asked). Once awhile he mentioned his girlfriend to me. He mostly complained about her and I was always help him to make things better.

But, as days passed by, I felt there was something weird about our relationship. He said he has girlfriend but he called me everyday for hours and he did things for me that make me confused. There was also a time where he don't wanna talk about his girlfriend and sometimes he even implied that he no longer has girlfriend. And I was like... did he break up with his gf because of me?

I gotta admit that I was kinda flattered, but I also know that me and him are so 'Mission Impossible'. There are many factors but mostly because I know that I don't have that feeling to him. I may have confused that I might have feeling for him, but every time I see his eyes, I don't see it there. I realize that it was because I feel flattered for what he did for me, for how he treated me.

So I tried to get our relationship on the right track, that we only friends and that's all. At first I didn't pick up his calls and I also kept bringing his girlfriend to our conversation, and I also told him about some guys I liked. For couple months, it was good and I know we were on the right track. But more and more each day he became rude to me. He was always throwing rude and harsh jokes about me. Luckily, I grew up among lots of brothers so I kinda used to it. I never got mad at him, except that day.

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I know I have awesome brothers, especially the one I'm gonna talk about in here. I always look up to him. Half of who I am today is all from him. The way I see the world, the way I think, the way I socialize with people, the way I humor the world. He has been a great influence to me. And also everybody loves my brother, everybody trusts him and willing to sacrifice anything for him (esp girls tho lol). He's been a wonderful advisor for everybody. When it comes to love and girls, believe me he's the expert.

He also has such a big, wide web of friendship. He has lots of friends everywhere. You want to get to know some hot models? He has them. Doctors, lawyers, DJs, architects, entrepreneurs, and also other people beyond country. So, long short story, I called him and said that I want him to set a blind date for me with some hot foreigners, hopefully they have blue eyes and tall figure (alias bule gituh loh hahaha). But guess what he told me.

Brother:   Nuh-uh. Your mother's gonna kill me. Those people don't even believe in God. I don't wanna take that risk. They are all dangerous to you.
Me:   Whyyyyy? Well, it won't be hurt to have them as a friend. I'm not a kid anymore. I know what's right to do and what's not to do.
Brother:   No way, you're still a kid. You can't hang out with those people.
My older sister:  Wow, you are so weird. You told your sister she can't hang out with them while you told her that you've been sleeping around with some European girls.
Brother:   Well, she's still a kid. And I want to keep it that way.

And I was like -_____________-

I can't believe he still treat me as a kid. If only he know why I need a blind date so much right now, he would've done it for me. Brother, I need new guy on my mind now because I still can't stop thinking about that old Neptune -sigh-

Please, brother JB.

I love children. There's no doubt about it. I love children so much that I wanna have them right now. I want a sweet little girl with puffy curly hair like mine and eyes of cat eyes shaped like mine, or a smartass boy who always know everything just because he's smart like me. I want 4 kids of my own, and 5 adopted kids. I will raise them with love and show them how big the world is and how fun life can be, and that life is full of responsibility and that they can be whatever they want as long as they work hard for it. I do really really want kids so much.

But then here's a big question for me, who's the father?

LOOOOL. I don't even have a boyfriend yet.

The funny thing is... I even asked my friends who were about having abortion to keep their babies. I told them I would do anything for them. I would pay the hospital fee or their nutrition or food or anything so they can have healthy babies and I'll be the one who will take care of them, but none of my friends took my offers. I do understand though. They were under stress. Their boyfriends just ran away when they know they knocked out their girlfriends. And their family would definitely cast them out for life. They were scared, confused, lost and depressed, so they always told me they had no choice but to kill their babies.

I always cried, but mostly I cried in silent because I don't want to make my friends feeling worse. But sometimes I couldn't hold my tears and I just cried in front of them when I can't change their mind.

There are many people out there trying to have babies, and some of them cannot have it no matter how much they try, but my friends killed their own flesh and blood. What an irony.

God, I wish I could get married soon with someone I love >____< and have lots of kids heheh

PS:  Test Pack Movie was AWESOME. I rarely give compliment to Indonesian movies, but this one is different. You all should watch it.

"Brother, do you know how to mend a broken heart?" I asked my brother one day few years ago.

"There is no exact way to do that. You just have to go out from your room and enjoy life like strolling in a park, breathing and enjoy fresh air. Appreciate every little thing in your life like the books in your room or movies or something that you really like. Get your mind focus on that and try to forget the pain in your heart."

"What if I still can't get over it?"

"Then you have to keep trying until you can."

I smiled... bitterly.

Because I have done it all and yet... I still couldn't... move on.

On the other side, I know my brother has a point because he has been through a lot of hell and back alive.

And few years later, I couldn't believe I still remember of what Denny told me.

I did everything what he told me. Sometimes it helped, sometimes its not.

So I did an extra effort: pray and fast.

So far it got me to... I don't know... I just don't wanna feel hurt anymore so I took an extreme action (if you can say so)...

I'm just hoping God could fix my heart fast this time.

I was thinking... if my feeling to him is like a paper boat that was sent to Neptunes by Kugy.
Got crushed into a pulp on its way before reaching to the sea... to the heart of Neptunes.
The god of the sea never had any idea of how I felt toward him, of how he meant for me.
He never got my paper boat...
He never got my feeling...
He never got me...

I whispered my heart, "It is fate, dear. It's your fate."
And I smiled while looking up to the sky and said, "You are so funny, Big Guy. So Funny."
At first I was laughing but then I found myself in the pool of tears.

"There must be something in this, dear. The Big Guy has a plan for you."
That was my mind told my heart.

I gave up.
Also, I thought there's no use to keep crying about it.
No use to keep feeling hurt about it even though it's still... there... watching me closer... and closer
It's unavoidable...
I admit, I'm still helpless against it...

But since I know the truth, I send my paper boat to the God of Light, to the God of Sky, God of Universe... God of my soul

No more paper boat to god of sea...
Cannot send any more paper boat to the god of my heart

He will be replaced.
Another god will come... and rules my heart...
As the will of God of my soul...

Saat saya sudah merasa damai, saya salah.
Saya sudah pergi menjauh... terbang ke dunia yang lain
Menyibukkan raga di tempat yang tak terjangkau oleh kalian
Namun, tetap saja pikiran saya di sana... menangis, merintih

Saya tak mau berpikir yang lalu
Tak mau juga berpikir tentang kalian
Saya sungguh tak mau berpikir buruk tentang kalian
Kalian hanya manusia. Saya pun demikian.

Jadi, Alfa. Saya mohon.
Angkat rasa sakit ini dan biarkan dunia saya damai kembali.

Saya. Ingin. Bebas.

Seseorang pernah bilang ke saya, "Hidup kamu kok kayak sinetron?"
Saya tertawa. Menurut saya, rasa-rasanya tidak seperti itu deh. Kemudian saya berpikir, apa karena saya ceritanya rada lebay ato gimana ya? Kenapa dia malah bilang kayak gitu? Tapi sungguhan kok kalo apa yang saya pernah ke cerita ke dia itu yang sebenar-benarnya.

Sampai kemudian dua hari kemarin, saya menerima kenyataan yang sangat mengejutkan. Seumur-umur saya ngga pernah ngalamin yang seperti itu. Hati terkoyak-koyak ngga karuan. Seolah ada lubang hitam di dada, dan seketika jadi terasa sesak. Untungnya saya hidup di dalam Tuhan, kalo ngga mungkin saya langsung emosi dan membuat semua orang sakit hati.

Dan setelah kepala saya mendingin malah muncul seribu kalimat yang berawalan, "What if..."

Saya baru ngerasa kalo hidup saya beneran kayak sinetron. Saya mau cerita juga rumit banget. Saking rumitnya saya bahkan belum curhat ke siapa-siapa soal masalah saya ini. Mau minta nasihat juga susah, wong saya cerita aja susah jelasinnya. Mungkin juga salah satu alasannya karena saya ngga mau seolah-olah mengulang mimpi buruk dengan mulut saya sendiri, atau mungkin juga karena saya tidak mau menerima kenyataan? Semuanya memang terasa fana sampai detik ini juga buat saya.

Saya hancur.

Saya cuman doa, dan doa... dan doa biar hati saya dikuatkan.

Agar rasa sakit ini hilang.

Agar ada terang di tengah kegelapan.

Agar Tuhan ikut campur tangan menyelesaikan masalah.

Dan kemudian saya pun mengambil keputusan, saya tidak akan menceritakan hal ini pada siapa-siapa sampai saya dapat melihat ujungnya, sampai saya merasa damai sejahtera, sampai saya benar-benar mengerti rencana Tuhan di balik ini semua. Karena saya tidak mau nantinya... ketika saya curhat soal masalah ini... saya malah menghina dia dan orang itu. This is nobody's fault. But you can say this is all my fault... who never try hard enough to get what I want.

Dan, saya pasrah. sama. Tuhan.

Saya terima. Apapun hasilnya nanti.

I always love You... always...
Just by saying it, tears pouring down on my cheeks.
Coz I know I'm no worthy just saying that
I always hurt You... again... and again...

I can feel You were crying beside me when I let You down
Forgive me, please....

I missed You
I missed Your love
I missed to be called as Your favourite kid again
I missed Your divine blessing to me
I missed how You revealed secrets to me

I'm sorry I've been running away from You
I'm sorry I didn't passed Your tests

I fell again and again in deeper sins

This time I give up, Lord.

Please take away all my burdens
Please make me strong so I could win in Your other tasks

I have no one who could truly support me in everything
I want to be at Your place when the time is come

One thing I ask to You, Lord...
Please, make me strong in everything...

They said I live in fantasy world. Everything I feel toward you, everything I know about you is not real. So I stop talking about my feeling. I keep you in my heart and lock you inside. No one knows that you’ve been living in my heart. Almost one year, right after  I dumped one rotten fruit from there. 

At first I thought you’re just like any other people I used to know. Boring, all with dozens routines and a set of mind of Roman citizen in their golden time. You never even put your foot in dark side which makes you despise people who had no choice but to live in there to survive. I didn’t like you at that time. You only willing to see things from one side, and don’t care about the other side.

But then, I know you’re from the same world like me. We were born under the same star. We both came from the same place, from the sea. We have the heart of Neptunes, god of the sea, the one who sent us to earth. Seeing you were practically same like seeing myself in a mirror. We are like one soul trapped in two body, but I do realize that I’m more extreme, and you are like the mature version of me.  Sometimes I feel like I know you like the back of my hand, but sometimes I don’t know you. 

As time goes by, I learned that you are Neptunes himself, a god... who lives in my heart. And I don’t know when exactly, but I started to feel scared of you. Was it because you are Neptunes? Or was it because I know that I’m no worthy of your high status? Or was it because you are god who always hang out with other gods, judging humans on earth? Or was it because of Hera, who’ve killed Zeus’ lovers and children out of jealousy? I don’t know what was the reason, but I started to retreat unconsciously, step by step, taking step back in order to protect myself, my heart, my pride. 

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I wrote this long time ago in my other blog heheh. Here we go:

1. I hate my first name so much. My High School Teacher said that my first name means ‘bad luck’ in Portuguese.

2. All my life I always thought I don’t belong to this planet hahaha.

3. I’m proud to be Aquarius. That’s why I’m not afraid to be different.

4. It’s every girl’s dream to be a princess in big castle, waiting to be saved by a prince with white horse, but NOT ME. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to be a knight with long sword, slaying dragons and monsters to protect people I love.

5. I’m one of those people who always do the opposites when I’m being told what to do. I always know exactly what I'm doing.

6. Once in a while, I need some time to be alone, to travel alone and to experience things on my own. Please warn me when I'm in that state, because mostly this will bring me a very big problem ahead.

7. I love traveling to mountains SO MUCH. I love jungle. I love big trees. I love fresh air.

8. I hate BEACH. Why? First, I can’t swim. Second, I’m afraid of water.

9. I love it when things become unpredictable. I love challenge. And I love it more when I win :D

10. I have secret obsession to be a movie director since I was in middle high school.

11. I get bored easily with everything.

12. Once I like something (or someone)  it'll be so hard to move on loool.

13. I rarely fall in love. And when I do, I fall too deep and would rather to keep it secret.

14. I’m moody level 10000000000~

15. People always think I’m heartless bitch, but actually I’m not. Tho I must admit that I love it when they think I am :D

16. Huge fan of Utada Hikaru and Homogenic. Other groups or boyband or any singer may come and go as my bias, but I will always love Utada and Homogenic forever.

17. I hate carrot, spinach, and peanut. 

18. My most fave food are fried rice, fried noodle, and spaghetti carbonara.

19. I want to get married with blue eyes guy  >___<

20. I always want to live in Norway for the rest of my life, and I guess to get married with Norwegian too XD.

21. I hate all kind of romance story in books, movies or mangas. I hate them all.

22. Even though I know I’m gonna be crushed in pieces, I always love the feeling of falling in love. I want to be in love all the time with the right person in the right time. 

23. I don’t like it when people think they know everything about me. Are they god or something? 

24. Love to hang out in a cafe on weekend. Alone with laptop at the corner, my fave spot.

25. My most fave anime of ALL TIME is D.gray-man. It's THE BEST. EVER!!!

26. I don’t wanna admit it and I’m not even a religious person, but I actually can’t live without God.

27. I don’t trust people easily.

28. I have sixth sense. Sometimes I can see future in my dreams. Sometimes.

29. Every time I'm feeling down, I always and must write how I feel. If not, there will be something terrible lol.

30. I love my family so much to the extent that I would kill anyone who hurt them. But but... I love God more >___< Aaaah, what a dilemma. I'm scared to God, so I guess I can't kill anyone lool.

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I don't know how to explain this (ROFL)

Well, if I have to explain from the beginning, the first thing I want to tell is that how grateful I am to have lots of friends that accept me the way I am. And I'm very lucky because they let me to be myself no matter how crazy or how embarrassing or how annoying I can be. They even don't let me to be different on my own. If I go crazy, they will do the same too lol, or maybe you can say that they're as crazy as I am haha.

But, don't you ever think we never have problem in our friendship. We all had our ups and downs. Like wise man once told me that girls' friendship is so fragile like a piece of paper. Once you break it, there's no other way to turn it back. He was right. But like I said, I'm a very lucky girl to have lots good friends in my life.

I have many close friends who know exactly what are my flaws, my dark side and everything. Some of them satirize all of that and put those into a quite bitter jokes and then mostly we end up laughing bitterly in a very elegant way (I mean we mostly try so hard to not kill each other, so we laugh instead lol). No wonder if I have to wear 'mask' to these kind of people.

Some of them accept all of me and together we help each other to be a better person. And of course, honesty is the most important thing in here. Without honesty, we can't even move on and become a better person.

So today, I asked a question to my best friend. I do admit that something happened around a week ago. I really want to tell her everything, but I don't know. It was so hard to even say a word about it. What if she judge me? What if she make fun of me? What if she tell other people? I'm so scared about the possibility she will betray my expectation. So, instead of talking about my problem, I asked her a question:

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

And OMG, I was surprised with her answer. I was like, 'did she know anything about what happened to me lately?' lol. But, I thought it's impossible since I never told anyone except people on net world. More or so, she answered my question like this, "Nez, I think you're a very smart girl, but sometimes you can be so stupid like a child, especially when it comes to love."

And then she told me how I was with my ex loool and then the other 2 guys I fell in love with.

:| Damn, she knows me too well. And I was panic when she said, "Why did you ask that? Don't tell me you fall in love again."

Haish, damn you, A.

I'm tired to keep bugging my brother or sister to drive me anywhere. Well, I have scooter but when it rain outside, I can't go out and also it's pretty hot out there. I can feel all those sun light pour on my beautiful skin huhuhu. So yeah, I don't think twice when my dad offer me to learn how to drive a car.

Actually I already know how to drive in high school, but I got in some kind of 'accidents' and then I'm scared to drive again. My dad even already bought me a car, but since I can't drive, my dad gave it to my brother.

So when my brother decided to move out from our house, I know I can't count anyone else anymore. I need to drive myself. My dad has been so stressed when he teach me haha. Like today, I almost hit a big truck in front of us haha. He kept complaining that he get older 20 years when he teach me lol.

Today he forced me to drive on highway. Thank God, I could drive well without any major incident. And then we went to mountains area of Bandung City. It was so beautiful. I always love mountains area. I love the air, the trees, everything. I don't know why but I have this weird connection with mountains or jungle or anything with big trees and animals. I feel like I belong there. If there was a reincarnation, I think I was a tiger who love to sit down on a tree, admiring the sound of nature. I really really love mountains. That's why I love Bandung so much.

These are the pics I took on my journey with my dad. I didn't even bring my phone, so I took these pic with my dad's phone. It's a bit dark, I know.

 That's the car I use, my sister's car. She's gonna kill me if she know haha.

By the way, when I was trying to upload those pics above, I found one weird pic in my dad's phone.

Is that Bull's ass?
Why the hell my dad took that pic for? LOOOL

You. Yes, I'm talking about you, the boy with chubby face and small brown eyes.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Four years ago you were with all smile and happy face, holding hand with your fiance, bragging your happiness to me that you gonna get married with the most perfect girl in the world. I didn't like her, but yeah you were so happy with her and that's all what matters to me. But then you said... you not gonna marry her just a month before the wedding.

A year later you brought me this hot, smart, sweet, sexy thing to me. You told me you two belong together. I swear to God, I had never seen such a perfect couple like you both. And I really really like her A LOT. You both helped me through some worst stage of my life. And to this day, I could still hearing your girlfriend's advice in my ear whenever I get down.

Two years later, I thought you already have plan to marry her. And yes, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you for two years. Well, we live in different city now. I never have any thought to call you lol. You never call me anyway lol. Long story short, I found you online on my messenger. Then when I asked you about your girlfriend, you told me you broke up with her a year ago. I'm sorry for scolding you so harsh about that. I mean I really could not fathom of your idiocy, your stupidity, your baka-ness. How could you let such a fine girl like that slip away from your hand?

You don't have to tell me. I could see it in your eyes. You belong to her and she belongs to you. You two are fated to be together, and yet you looked so fine when you told me you let her go. I was mad, fyi. REALLY MAD.

I asked your sister then. She gave me your secret blog. AND OMG. You counting the day you broke up with her? You wrote so many beautiful poems about her, about your sadness for missing her too much. I even cried when I read it.

I really don't know what to do with you. -sigh- Yet you seemed so fine when you were talking about her. I want to tell you though that its not healthy to keep her stay in your heart. But then I'm afraid I have to explain how I get that idea in my head while you never told me you still thinking about her. And then you gonna kill your sister for giving your secret blog to me.

Tell me, K. What should I do for you?

Guess what! I found one beautiful song on youtube accidentally, and I think it's so HIM. But of course, there are some part that isn't exactly him.

Let's see how the lyric goes.


Tall, dark and super manlyPuts papers in his briefcase and drives awayTo save the world or go to workIt's the same thing to me

He's got his mother's eyes, his father's ambitionI wonder if he knows how much that I miss himI hang on every word you say

You'll smile and say "How are you?"And I'll say, "Just fine"I always forget to tell you I love you ==> the word 'love' is kinda overated for now lol :PI'll love you forever

I watched Superman fly awayYou've got a busy day todayGo save the worldI'll be around

I watched Superman fly awayCome back, I'll be with you somedayI'll be right here on the groundWhen you come back down 
Tall, dark and beautifulHe's complicated, he's irrational (on the contrary, he's very rational lol)But I hope someday he'll take me awayAnd save the day, yeah

Something in his deep brown eyes has me sayingHe's not all bad like his reputationAnd I can't hear one single word they say

And you'll leave, got places to beAnd I'll be okayI always forget to tell you I love youI loved you from the very first day

And I watch you fly around the worldAnd I hope you don't chase another girlDon't forget, don't forget about me

I'm far away, but I'll never let you goI'm lovestruck and looking out the windowDon't forget, don't forget where I'll be

Right here wishing the flowers were from youWishing the card was from youWishing the call was from you'Cause I've loved you from the very first day

I really love the lyric at first time I hear it. It also describes him so well, except at the part 'dark' and 'brown eyes' lol. 
Then, I thought... ok, I'm gonna call him 'Superman' from now on. This is a bit weird because my most fave superhero ever since I was a kid was Superman. And here I found a song that describe him so well in a song titled 'Superman'. Coincidence?

"My Dear Superman, when you gonna come back down and get me?"
Sincerely, Freya

I really don't know what to write, but I want to write something. It's weird, isn't it? My mind is so messed up right now, but I don't wanna spill it on here, or to anyone. I already found the right solution, but I don't want to tell anyone. Because I feel like I'm gonna forget it if I do that. I want to keep remembering it, and do it on my own.

I want one person to encourage me though. One particular person that really matters to me. But that person's nowhere to find.

Even so, I know I'm not alone.

I could always look up to the sky and ask The Big Guy out there to support me. I know I could through this. With The Big Guy beside me, there is nothing impossible. All I have to do is not to overthinking and believe.

That's all.

"Don't judge a girl by her laughters, coz you don't know how many hours she cried last night... --@KeiSavourie

It's true that I laugh so much everyday. I always put a smile on my face and I usually laugh so loud as if like I'm happy all the time. If you think I never have problem and I live a good life all this time, you're wrong.

The truth is I've been through a lot and I always hide my pain with smiles and laughters. The louder my laugh is, the bigger the problem I hide. But not everyone is easy to fool with that. Some people who really care about me could always see me through my 'mask', that there's something wrong with me. They would usually let me laugh and make a joke out of everything and even let me make fun of them, teasing them all I want, and after that, they took me somewhere quiet to have a talk. Most of the time I just cried in front of them without talking and they would force me to tell them what was my problem.

But some people just let me cried out my heart and that's it. I respect these kind of people more. Not that I don't appreciate people who care about me, but sometimes it's so hard to talk about your problems. And also, I had enough bad experiences when my own friends use my 'secrets' to attack me. I even still couldn't believe that there was such a thing happened. I mean it was like a drama or something.

I believed them but they betrayed me.

So, no. I don't think I ever trust people again. But don't worry, I'm not alone. I always have friends to help me through bad stuff.

I don't know what to call this feeling. I don't think I can call this 'love' yet. It'll be so weird. I mean, I still don't know anything about you. I still don't know what you really are. Are you really the man I've been waiting for? Or are you someone else that I don't know? Sometimes I feel like I don't know you. Sometimes I feel like I know you. I still don't know what kind of person you are.

But, all I know is... the feeling when I miss you so much on weekdays where I can't talk to you, or the feeling when my heart beating so fast when I talk to you are all real. And also the feeling when I think of you every time I listen to love songs. I've been in love before, but I have this weird feeling to you. When I fall in love, I usually become stupid person who can't even find proper words when I talk to the person I fall in love with. And I feel so happy just to see the person I love from far away and mostly I'm scared to even start a conversation.

But this time it's different. I want more of you. I'm not happy when I can't talk to you. I can't just only see you from far away. I want to be by your side and see your smile every day. This is the first time I ever feel this way. I wonder why. Is it because I actually don't love you? Or is it because this time it's the real love? lol.

One thing I know for sure is I don't want to get that answer now. I want to enjoy this weird feeling and then find the answer slowly as how the reality goes. I won't put up my hopes high, thinking that you gonna feel the same like I do. If you do belong to me, you won't see me as an option. But for now... yeah, I'm just an option for you because I couldn't lie about my feeling.

These 2 days been so crazy. I'm so tired.

I made a huge mess, and I have to pay it dearly. My dad's gonna be disappointed if he know. And I feel like I'm losing my face to all people I see. I'm so ashamed of myself. I really wanna tell each of them, "I'm really really really really really really sorry." and then bow down to the ground if I can.

But, what's done is done. I can't go back to the past to fix it all.

"There's no point blaming people. Just keep moving forward and do what we can do."

I almost cried when I heard someone said that. She doesn't know how much it means to me. I feel so grateful when we can still find solution to fix it. But still, we need a lot of prayers to be succeed 100%.

I surrender to God  >____<

And friends, please pray for me >____<

Stop asking for something unspeakable
Because it's always shown I'm here just for you

Stop talking for something unsure, dear
If only you can see my eyes and see the truth there

No need a word to be said
No need emotion to emphasize what I feel
No need tears to show what is real

I've tried to stop the time to chase your shadow
I've tried to stop the time to be with you... always

But you choose to not see that
And let black clouds blinded your eyes and your perfect sense
Take you to wrong direction that I cannot enter

I surrender to fate now, dear
I don't want to defend myself to you
Because you gonna think I'm lying

Let the truth comes to you
And tell their story on their own

And I will always be here... waiting for you...

Aku sebenarnya sedang diproses. Sakit emang. Ditambah lagi bergumul dengan sesuatu, atau lebih tepatnya dengan seseorang. Emang ngga mudah ngejalanin semuanya, apalagi kalau hasilnya tidak sesuai dengan harapan. Hasilnya memang sejak awal sudah bisa ditebak dan aku menyerah karena sudah tahu. Tapi, seseorang datang dan membangkitkan harapan.

Mungkin sebagian orang berpikir kalau hal ini bagus, tapi ngga buat aku. Kemungkinannya terlalu kecil, dan aku juga sebenarnya udah tahu bahwa harapan itu hanyalah asumsi belaka. Aku bukannya malah merasa damai sejahtera, tapi jadi makin menggila karena harapan ini. Akhirnya, aku putuskan untuk membuat klimaks sekalian. Biar aku tahu pasti bagaimana hasil akhirnya. Biar aku tahu pasti langkah apa yang harus kuambil selanjutnya.

And, BAM!!! Akhirnya semua misteri terpecahkan. All the missing puzzles have been found. Dan yep, hasilnya sudah seperti yang kuduga, tapi sayangnya... bisa dibilang jadi agak ngambang. Katanya, semuanya terserah aku. Jawaban tipikal yang sengaja untuk tidak membuat sakit hati... mungkin.

Aku ingin berteriak, memaksa agar aku mendapatkan jawaban yang jelas karena udah terlalu banyak rumor yang aku dengar. Terlalu banyak -sigh-... Terlalu banyak yang membuat sakit hati, dada teriris, hidup tak tenang. Jadi kuputuskan untuk benar-benar menyerah seperti rencanaku semula. Kalau emang dia untukku, dia akan mengejarku dengan sekuat tenaga. Tapi, sewaktu kutanya, apakah aku harus menyerah? Dia malah bilang, terserah aku.

Yo wes lah. Dia ngga layak buat aku.

Cari gebetan baru hahahah.

Di sisi lain, aku bersyukur ama Tuhan. Gila yah setelah berbulan-bulan, akhirnya aku legaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... banget. Ini juga anugrah loh :D

Thanks, God.

I took these pics long ago. I forgot I have it. So, there's a stray cat in my neighborhood, quite chubby and very stubborn. Sometimes she sneaked in to my house stealing food from kitchen. She usually camped out around my house and I was surprised to see her weird habit.

How dare she slept on my car graaaar....

She slept behind my fence too loool. Waaa she looked cute.

I can't believe she can slept peacefully there loool

I'm trying to picture you on sunset,
Calling your name to the other side of the world
Nothing more sad than knowing that...
No one can hear me besides my heart,
And the roaring waves

I picture you standing alone on the beach
Not even my trace on your side
But when my time has come,
I shall call your name,
And I'll be the sea where you always come home to

Dawn on your shoulder
Night before me
And the moon watching me,
Lights my steps ahead
And I keep walking
I will keep walking,
Because I want you to know I'm here...

I'm here...

Looking at you on sunset,
I'm trying to walk on the edge between two worlds
Nothing more beautiful
Nothing that I miss more
Besides you...

I wish you know...

I'm here.

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It means believe.

Sometimes I fall in depression, desperation, discouragement. Okay, maybe not sometimes, but most of the time hahaha. Mostly some of people I care are the cause, and some other time because I have failed. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who is easily give up when I know I'm gonna fail. I do blame my parents for that. I've been growing up with their words that I would never achieve my dreams, that I will always fail in everything I do because what I wanted, what I dreamed is not what their wish. And of course, they insisted that I must do everything they want in order to be not fail. I went to the school they chose from kindergarten, high school, university, and also the kind of work I must do. They always do some err... 'cruel?' things so I end up doing what they want. They never listen what I want to do.

Every time I tell my dreams to them, they will always say, "No, because you gonna fail." 
The worst part is they even want me to get married with the guy they gonna choose for me *facepalm* (I swear I'm gonna runaway from this country if that happen). In that kind of situation, I feel like I have died inside for a very very long time. I don't believe in myself that I could do things amazing, extraordinary things like most successful people do.

All this time I've been in rebellious stage haha (I think it's natural, right?). My parents have become soft lately to me even though some things haven't changed yet, but I'm sure it will get better. All I know is to keep thinking positive and have faith to the Almighty One that everything is gonna be okay.

And I feel more energized when I listen to Bayu Risa's single, 'Percaya'.

This song inspired with the struggles of children with cancer. I love every word in this song. After all, we must believe in ourselves even though people around us don't believe in us.

Keep fighting!

And don't give up!


Here's the video of the song

He:  I know you love me.
Me:  Huh? What?

And then he laughed after that. I thought he was joking, so I didn't ask him why he said that, but I knew there was something strange. He was always trying to be beside me. He was always tailing me wherever I go. He was always taking picture of us as if like he's trying to make us seen as a couple. Everybody thought we were a couple. He also always put his hand around my shoulder or waist as if like I'm his girl, but I pretended I had something to do every time he do that.

Then, something happened.

He came to me, trying to console me, but at that time there was a lot of people around me so he couldn't talk much to me. Few days later I decided to make things clear, so I came to him and ask him, 'What has that 'bitch' told you about me?' But he was insisted to never ever tell me EVER. I was mad, disappointed. Deep down I already know the answer. I just want him to be honest to me. I thought he was one of those few people that I can call as my best friend, who don't hold back anything, who would 'attack' me directly on the face, not stabbing me from behind. I was trying to avoid him for weeks, but then he finally can caught me in the end.

He was kinda dragging me while holding my hand tightly. So tight that it hurt. That was the first time I ever feel scared of what a guy can do. He yelled at me, asking for answer. I told him that I don't want to have anything to do with him. I told him about my assumption. I said I might not know what exactly that bitch told him, but I can somehow figure it out. He then admit it. That bitch told him I fell in love with him and that I would do anything for him, including sleeping with him.

I was so mad, but I tried to be calm. I don't know what has gotten into me, I said the cruelest word ever to him. I told him I will never ever in love with him. I told him that he's not my type, that he's not a man I ever wanted, that I would even never like a loser like him.

I wish I didn't tell him that.

Because I haven't seen him since that day.

I asked his friends, they said he has changed his phone number. No one really know what's his new number and where is he right now. All I heard that he has worked in government's department. I really want to apologize to him. I want to talk to him again. And having fun together in our favourite spot.

Miss you, T.

I was on my way back home and I was surprised to see this on the road.

A car with full of stamps?

I didn't think twice. I took a picture with my cell phone. I wonder what was this guy thinking to put stamps all over his car? Does he love stamps so much? Or is it because his children at home put it accidentally? Well, I think it was kind of unique if only he can put it all neatly.

Here to see it closer.

What do you guys think?

Nah, relax. I'm not gonna talk about my broken heart again like what I used to talk in my old blog haha. This time I wanna tell you that I just found one cute song from Big's drama soundtrack, 'Hey You'.

That song remind me of how fun it is to be fall in love. You just keep smiling at random times, when you're at work, when you're alone or when some shit happened in your life. Love can bring little sparkle in your heart, makes you want to do best everyday, brings you 'life' when you feel not living.

I always and always looking for this feeling, but the thing is I can't fall in love easily >____< and once I fall in love it'll be so deep that it's gonna tearing my heart so bad and turning my world upside down. And mostly, when it happens, most of my friends would say something like... 'Freya, stop loving him!'

I'm tired being hurt. I'm scared to go to that place again where I'm ready to give everything to the person I love, but that person left me just because we are not meant to be. No matter how hard I try to make it work, if we are not fated to be together, everything will be useless. I don't wanna go there again. Feeling hurt for someone who doesn't deserve of my love.

I'm scared... but I want to fall in love again.

Hufgh, OMG... *takes a deep breath* I got to admit I'm a lil' bit crazy about this guy. Maybe he got the look (if you know what I mean :P), but for me he has this magical voice that always can make me feel better when I'm at my worst time. Most of you (I mean most of my fans) must have known about my dangerous 'disease' which is... I get bored easily with everything, but the weird thing is I never get bored listening to his songs.

The first time I heard his song was about 1-2 years ago. At that time I had hard time regarding my family matter and heart broken stuff loool. I remember I was so depressed to the extent that I couldn't sleep and eat, but then one of my friend gave me Aziatix's single 'Be With You'. At first I was like, 'Oh great, another korean idol again?' To be honest I'm not quite a fan of korean idol thingy.

And then I became a radio DJ where one of my loyal listeners was a huge fan of Aziatix. She kept requesting their songs and I don't know how and when, but I started to like it. My first love was 'Slippin' Away' and then I became addicted to 'Start It Again' and 'Go'. I was literally couldn't sleep without hearing their songs first. And Eddie Shin's voice was magic. It's as if like he lifted up all of my burden. Every time I hear his voice, I can feel something warm growing inside my heart. Whenever I feel so sad, or extremely angry or feeling depressed, it's a must for me to hear his songs to make me feel better. Just me on bed with Eddie Shin's voice, and I will be normal again.

I wish that someday I can hear him singing just for me.

Here's one of Aziatix single 'Go'

Recently 2 friends of mine told me that I have so many people hate me. When there were only one person told me, I thought, 'oh okay. That's just his own assumption because I know that's not true.' But then 2 days later, one stranger said the same thing, so I thought, omg... there must be something wrong with me, so I decided to do a little research about myself.

I've been asking around, but this time I asked my friends, people who really know me. Well, we've been friends for 5-6 years. First person I asked is Arum. She's my friend in college. We used to hang out a lot before she moved to Jakarta.

I asked her, 'Do you think there are many people hate me?' I thought she was gonna say yes, because one of her bff (bff? pfft... loool) hates me, but surprisingly she said no. I was speechless. I didn't expect that. But even so, I wonder because I know for sure one of her bff hates me. Then why Arum said there are no people hate me? Was she just trying to be nice to me? So I asked her the same question and I told her to be honest, but she won't change her answer. She said she knows me so well. She knows I'm the kind of person who always do what I think is right, especially when it comes to people.

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"We all want to fall in love. Why?

Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, and hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."


And that is why, Love is the greatest feeling in the world. I've got to admit I'm lil bit addicted to love. I always want to be in love. Almost everyday I've been complaining to my close friends, "I want to be in love so bad." And I think some of them have gotten sick hearing that. Couple of my friends in real world even tried to set me up with so many guys. And this is where the problem started.

Love is not easy to find.

Even though I met so many great guys and been so close to them, but still, I couldn't just fall in love easily. It's not about their physical thingy, or how much money they earn every month, or their status, their background, etc. No, it was never about that. For me, it's all about heart... well, my heart to be exact.

I want someone that can make me in love without obvious reason, so when he has nothing, I would still love him no matter what. Just as simple as that, but it is so HARD to find that guy. I've been manipulated by this kind of illusion for several times. Three times to be exact. Three guys. Three heart broken phase so far haha.

When I fell in love to those 3 guys, I told myself that the guy I was in love with... was the one (apparently, NOPE, and I'm so grateful for that). With the second guy I fell in love with, we had talked about marriage, kids and house. It was stupid and I regret I had that kind of talk with him. I actually regret I fell in love with those three guys. Every time I think of them, all I can remember is the pain they brought to me, except for my first love ( My first love's memory is still special to me. I dunno why >___<)

But the more I think, the more I feel grateful to God that I have those kind of experiences. Yeah, it was really painful to be fall out of love, but the result is wonderful. Now I could choose wisely about the guy I'm going to date with, hahahaha. And if I fall out of love again, I know how to fix my broken heart.

Life is a journey.

Every pain you get will make you stronger.

Just like what they say, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

I understand people always have their own assumption on everything or everyone they met. I do also understand that it's unavoidable and it's natural. I don't blame them for that. But please, before any of you finalize your assumption to 'the truth' that you trust, give your brain time to think just a few second about the other possibility that what you think or what you 'trust' might be wrong.

Don't judge other people, please. You don't know anything. Maybe you have proof or something that can be guaranteed as 'the truth', but still, you are not God. You can't judge people and then label them as a sinner, a whore, or evil people. People make mistakes just like you. Sometimes they do some dumber mistakes then we do, but I believe everything happen for a reason. We can't badmouthing people, especially for something that you don't know for sure.

If you think some people are that 'evil', then don't talk to them or friends with them. You have no right badmouthing them and make it a big deal or worse, you spread false rumors out of it and make it worse than before.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Be humble and always objective of everything... or else... karma will get you good, and twist your position to the other side, to where was the person you judged at.

As a first born child in batak family, it means more burdens in life more than you can imagine as in physically and mentally. Moreover, if you are also a first grandchild in family, you will have a huge responsible to take care of and have to take part in every cultural ceremony and also in every family matters. It's a bit complicated to explain haha.

Frankly, as a girl and first born child and also first grandchild in my big family, I was quite depressed. My parents have already given big responsible to me since I was a kid. I have to take care our house, my siblings, our maids, etc. If one of my siblings got hurt or did some mistakes or got in a fight, I was the one who got punishment from my parents. Not my siblings or our maids or nannies. If I did some mistakes... wew.... I can't even describe it hahaha. Life was not easy for me. I had to dealt with so many things since I was a kid.

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